


Paramnesia

by Scullybeane



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Resolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, cannon-divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:47:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28721613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scullybeane/pseuds/Scullybeane
Summary: SG-1 wakes up in a prison cell without Sam. She’s returned two weeks later with no memory. As her memories return, she finds herself struggling between fact and fiction and Jack’s caught in the middle.She was almost climbing him as she contorted her body in an attempt to get as much contact as possible. Jack reached under her and lifted her sideways into his lap. He held her tightly to him, all attempts at propriety forgotten, whispering assurances to her. “I’ve got you. I won’t let you go. Never. I’ve got you. Always, Sam. I’ve got you.”
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 199
Kudos: 146





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just something that’s been rattling around in my head. Please feel free to comment if you’re so inclined because I’m very new to this and I’d love to hear what people are thinking. No one is reviewing so errors are all mine. Rating more for themes early on but that will change.

Jack bashed his metal bowl on the floor of the cell, thrashing his body against the wall behind him. “Dammit. I can’t just sit here anymore! We’re just sitting here and we don’t know what’s happening to her!” His eyes squeezed closed as he let out a long, slow breath. Overwhelmed by his emotions, he jumped up, and started heading toward the front of their prison cell before being stopped by Teal’c.

“This course of action has already proven useless, O’Neill and you will only anger the guards again.”

“I don’t care if I make the guards angry, Teal’c. I don’t give a crap. They can either tell me where the hell Carter is or...”

“Or what, O’Neill?” Teal’c asked grabbing his friend by the shoulders. “What will you do, O’Neill? There is nothing for us to do. We have already established this. I too am hurt by the disappearance of Major Carter but making our situation worse will only make it more difficult for us to assist her when she is returned.”

Jack took a deep breath and pulled away from Teal’c. At least Teal’c believed they’d get her back. Not that he was hopeful about what shape they’d find her in if they did. “Yeah. You’ve made your point.” He walked back to the wall, sat back down and let his head flop back. “We just sit here and do some more of nothing. Sounds like a plan.”

Daniel sobbed a breath in reaction to Jack’s outburst, attempting to control his own anxiety. Two long weeks had passed since they’d walked through the gate, been blinded by white light, and awakened in this dark, dank cell without her. They called out her name, hoping she was nearby, but the only response they’d received was the guards telling them to shut the hell up. They had no idea where she was. They didn’t even know if she was alive. They begged the guards for answers but got none. For two weeks they’d sat in this cell, frustrated and useless, hoping against hope that she was ok.

======

They were awakened that night by a hard pounding to find two guards at the door of their cell, one with a large burlap sack slung over his shoulder. The guards opened the door, dumped the bag on the floor, locked the cell, and walked away.

Jack, Teal’c, and Daniel took a collective anxiety filled breath, noting the long, lean shape of the motionless bundle.

They pounced on the bag. “Carter?” “Sam?” “Major Carter?” three voices called out simultaneously.

No movement.

“Get it open!” Jack called out, the men fighting with the sack’s knotted cord. “What do you think we’re trying to do here, Jack!” Daniel responded, just as frustrated, as he yanked the last knot free. They paused, slowing their frantic action for fear of hurting her. Or maybe it was just fear. Fear of what they’d find. They started peeling back the cloth. 

Boots. Carter’s boots.

“Get her out! Get her out, people” Jack called. Daniel lifted his head to speak but Teal’c put a hand on Daniel’s shoulder to stop his retort. Daniel looked up at him and Teal’c just shook his head and nodded toward Jack. He was crouched down beside Sam’s cloth covered head, wide eyed and tense, breath fast and shallow, almost leaping from one position to the next while his hands kept reaching out and pulling back. Daniel looked back at Teal’c and shook his head to note his understanding. Jack was not in a good way. They resumed their efforts and quickly managed to free her.

Jack placed his trembling hands to her neck, searching for a pulse. “She’s alive!” He called out. He could see she was breathing steadily. “Carter. You’re alive,” he said, voice cracking. “She’s alive,” he said again, falling back on his haunches and taking in a proper breath for the first time since they’d been awakened. “Carter? Carter?” he repeated, placing his hand against her cheek. “Carter. Can you open your eyes? She’s just unconscious,” he noted, stating the obvious in what Daniel assumed was Jack’s attempt at reassuring himself that she was, in fact, alive.

“Jack, we should check her for injuries.” Realizing Jack wasn’t going to move from his vigil beside her, Daniel checked her himself. “She seems ok. There’s no blood, nothing seems broken.”

“Good. That’s good,” Jack replied, taking off his jacket and draping it over Sam’s chest and shoulders. She was on her side, still in her uniform, but Jack felt the need to do something for her. She was probably cold, he thought. She was always cold. He started running his hand over her forehead and up into her hair. “Hey Carter. You’re ok. You’re back with me, and Teal’c, and Daniel and we’re gonna be here when you wake up.

“Why do you think she’s unconscious,” Daniel asked.

“Perhaps she has been drugged, Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c replied.

“Yeah. Maybe” Daniel said, walking over and bending down near Jack. “Does she feel feverish at all?”

Jack pressed the back of his hand firmly on Sam’s head. “Nope. She feels fine.”

“Alright well we might as well try and get some more sleep while she’s out,” Daniel said, walking back over to the wall where he and Teal’c had taken up residence. Teal’c bowed his head, turned, and followed.

Jack just kept raking his hand through Sam’s hair, whispering to her so she’d know she was safe. He laid down beside her at some point and fell asleep, his arm draped protectively over hers.

=======

Sam’s eyes snapped open in terror but she managed to stifle a scream, letting out a huge shuddering breath instead. Jack felt her shudder and was immediately awake and alert. “Carter,” he said looking into her wide frightened eyes. “Carter. You’re ok.”

“Sir?” Her voice shook.

“It’s me.” Daniel and Teal’c are here too. Over by the wall there.” He nodded his head in their direction.

Sam made no effort to look where he’d indicated. She just nodded slightly. “Yes, sir.”

Sam looked terrified and Jack, unsure what to do, just started running his hand over her forehead and through her hair again, smiling slightly. Sam closed her eyes and took some deep calming breaths. Jack felt some of the tension release from her muscles. “What happened?” she asked, having again opened her eyes.

“We don’t know.” Jack shook his head. “There was a flash of light when we came through the gate and you weren’t with us when we woke up here.”

Sam scrunched up her face. “Where was I?”

“You don’t know?”

“No. I... I don’t really remember much at all, sir.

“That’s ok, Carter. Do you feel ok? Does anything hurt?”

Sam took a moment to mentally scan her body. “No. I don’t think there’s anything physically wrong with me.” She tried to sit up. Jack reached out a hand to help and sat up with her. “No. I’m fine, physically.”

“And, how are you... not physically?” Jack hadn’t failed to notice her specific choice of word. 

“I’m fine,” she responded quickly. 

Jack pursed his lips. “Fine, Carter?You don’t always have to be fine, ya know. You’ve been missing for two weeks. It’d make sense if you weren’t fine.”

Sam’s eyes went wide again. “Two weeks, sir?I’ve been missing for two weeks?”

Jack swallowed deeply, realizing she’d had no idea how long it had really been.

“Oh. I didn’t know,” she replied matter of factly. “I can’t really remember anything.” Sam looked at Jack and felt an overwhelming sense of confusion and deep sense of sadness and longing build up inside her. She tried to remain calm but found herself trembling again.

Jack reached around her back to pull her towards him. “C’mere.”Sam allowed her head to fall on his shoulder as she had so many times before in so many similar situations. In a more uncommon act, Jack turned and nuzzled his face into her hair. Sam suddenly went stiff, yanked herself from his arms, and scurried across the floor toward the wall opposite Teal’c and Daniel.

“Carter. What? What happened?” Jack asked moving towards her. Sam didn’t say anything. She just plastered herself against the wall behind her as if trying to melt into it. “What’s going on?” I’m not going to hurt you, Carter. Sam. You know I’d never hurt you. You know that right?”

Sam just stared at him, wide eyed and shaking. Her mouth was moving but no sound was coming out. Jack remained still, hoping she’d actually say something so he could begin to figure out what the hell was going on. He kept eyes on her mouth and thought she said “you’re alive” but knew that couldn’t be right. Then he saw it again. “You’re alive.” Then he heard it. “You’re alive,” she said as if shocked. “You’re alive,” she repeated a bit louder. “You’re alive!” she yelled, shaking her head in disbelief. “Oh my god, Jack.” Jack didn’t miss the use of his given name. “You were dead. You died. I don’t... how are... you’re alive!”Jack heard Daniel and Teal’c behind him, her outburst having awakened them. “He’s alive,” she said looking up at them. “He’s alive.” 

“Hey Sam,” Daniel began. “Yes. Jack’s alive. He has been though, you know.”

“He died, Daniel. Right in front of us. We watched it happen.” 

“No, Sam. He didn’t,” Daniel responded shaking his head. “Jack, what has she told you? Where was she?”

“ _She_ is right here, Daniel,” Sam said shooting him an irritated glance.

“Sorry, Sam.It’s just that you’re not making a lot of sense right now.”

“He died, Daniel! I watched it happen! So did you!”

“No, Sam. He didn’t...”

“Quiet, Daniel,” Jack commanded. “Leave it.” He moved toward Sam who was still trembling and looking at him like she was seeing a ghost. He inched towards her slowly until he was right up beside her. “Hey. Hey,” he said. “Look at me. I’m here. I’m right in front of you. I’m ok. Carter. Hey.” He brought his hand to her face watching tears form in her eyes.

“You were dead. I... I watched you die.”

“I got that,” he said using his thumb to swipe a tear from her cheek. “But I’m ok. I don’t know what happened or what you saw but I’m alive and I’m ok and I’m sitting right here next to you. Look at me.” 

Sam let out a huge sob. “Oh god,” she said through her tears. “I thought I lost you,” she whispered.

Jack was struck by the intimacy of her statement. “You didn’t. I’m here. I’m ok.”

“I’m really glad you’re ok.” she said, trying to hold back the sobs threatening to escape.”

“Me too,” Jack responded pulling a face and causing her to giggle slightly. The giggle quickly shifted to crying as she couldn’t hold back the wave of emotion rising inside her. He reached for her again, drawing her in to his arms as her quiet tears quickly turned to loud, audible sobs. She hid her face in his neck and just let go. He could feel her body trembling with every sob. He held her to him as she started murmuring unintelligibly into his neck between sobs. “I remember... happy... lost you... I can’t believe...” She started grasping and pulling at his shirt. “Please. Just hold me, Jack. Please.”

She was almost climbing him as she contorted her body in an attempt to get as much contact as possible. Jack reached under her and lifted her sideways into his lap. He held her tightly to him, all attempts at propriety forgotten, whispering assurances to her. “I’ve got you. I won’t let you go. Never. I’ve got you. Always, Sam. I’ve got you.” She slowly stopped struggling, continuing to cry as he cradled and rocked her almost as one would a child. She suddenly inhaled a deep breath and slumped against him, dropping her head to his shoulder. “Jack” she said, closing her eyes, completely exhausted from her emotional outburst.

As she started drifting off in his arms, Jack looked up to see Daniel and Teal’c still standing over them looking confused and concerned. Jack just shrugged at them a little and whispered, “I don’t know. I’m ok like this. We’re ok.”Daniel and Teal’c nodded, aware there wasn't anything more they could do, and walked over to the other side of the cell. Jack kept up his cooing assurances and rocked her for a bit until he was sure she was asleep. He didn’t yet understand what had happened to her but he was beyond grateful that she was back with him where she belonged. He looked down at her, sound asleep in his arms, and whispered one further assurance before letting himself rest too. “I love you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kind words! They make me, um, happy! Enjoy. Can’t promise the rest will come as quickly but I’ll try.

Jack was awakened by Sam’s soft, warm mouth leaving a trail of wet kisses across his neck. “Mmmm. Whatcha doin?” he asked.

“Need you”

“Hmmm?”

“Missed you,” she said, continuing her tender assault.

Coming fully awake, Jack realized Sam had repositioned herself facing him astride his lap and was moving wantonly back and forth atop his unmistakeable response to her. “Need you,” she repeated.

Jack was overwhelmed by the feel of her. He’d wanted her so desperately for so long. Jack tensed as he felt her reaching down between them attempting to unbutton his pants. This isn’t right, he thought. Something isn’t right. This isn’t her. This isn’t Carter. Carter doesn’t do things like this. Certainly not in a filthy jail cell with Teal’c and Daniel mere feet away. Jack reached down, grabbing her waist to still her movements and pushed her slightly off of him. “Carter. What’s going on?”

Sam just just stared up at him tilting her head to the side. “Missed you. Need you,” she repeated grasping his arms and shoving them backwards to reassert her efforts.

“Carter. No,” Jack stated more firmly. “This isn’t right.”

“Need you,” she whined at him.

“What, Carter?What do you need?” 

“You. Need you,” she repeated, grabbing at his shirt for stability as she thrust down hard on him.

Despite the warning bells blaring in his head, Jack’s body was quite eagerly responding to hers. “Carter. Please. Stop,” he said fighting his own internal battle to stay still.

“No. Need you!” She demanded. “Please, Jack.”

Jack grasped her arms again and held them behind her. “Carter. I said no. Stop this. Now. I’m here for you. But not this!”

Jack knew he was in trouble when he saw the look in her eyes and the flare of her nostrils. Jack winced as she jumped up off of him and practically slammed herself into the wall a few feet from him. “Ass hole!” She spat, glaring at him and seething.

Jack stared at her in shock, fighting the instinct to rebuke her for her insubordination.

Daniel and Teal’c crossed the cell, awakened by Sam’s outbursts for the second time that night. Daniel quickly crouched by her side. “Sam! What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I hate him,” she stated icily glaring at Jack. 

Daniel sent a questioning look Jack’s way but Jack just shook his head a bit and shrugged his shoulders. He was as confused as they were. Daniel turned back to focus on Sam. “Sam. Why would you hate Jack? Why would you say that? What happened?”

She glared at Jack. “He’s a liar.”

Daniel touched Sam’s shoulder. “What did he lie about?”

Sam looked back and forth between Daniel and Teal’c, taking in their shocked faces. She felt so aggrieved. So angry, so frightened, so needy. She looked back at Jack noting the mix of pain and concern on his face. She’d hurt him. She didn’t want to hurt him. Why was she so angry? Her rage began to settle and she found it was replaced by an overwhelming ache to be back in his arms. “I don’t know. I just... I need... I need...I don’t know” she stammered. 

Her head fell towards her lap as fresh tears did the same. She heard Jack’s voice, pleading. “Sam. What do you need? I’ll give you anything.”

Sam trembled as the rage built up inside her once again. “Bull shit!” she yelled shocked by her own outburst and how visibly shaken Jack was in response. But she couldn’t stop herself. “How could you? Why would you hurt me like this? I trusted you. Don’t say you’ll give me anything, Jack, when you just made it clear that you don’t even want me touching you.”

“Sam. That’s not fair. That’s not what...” Jack just shook his head, utterly confused by her. 

“I told you I needed you! I need you!” She interrupted him, red faced and teary eyed. “Please!” she cried out, starting to sob again. “I need you,” she repeated through her sobs. “Need you... I need you. I... I needed you” she said, her words getting quieter and more desperate as she shook with her sobs. “Needed you, Jack. I needed you.” Her body collapsed in on itself. She was overwhelmed by pain and grief and she didn’t understand why.

Jack quickly moved the few feet needed to close the space between them, wrapping himself around her. “I’m sorry. Whatever I did to disappoint you. I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. Never want to hurt you. It’s just, what you’re asking. Why that? Why now? Please, Sam. Talk to me. I’m so confused.”

She looked up at him and shook her head, her big blue eyes wet and dark. “I don’t know.” she whispered. “I...I’m sorry.” She looked up at Daniel and Teal’c still standing there staring at the scene before them trying to make sense of what had just happened. “I’m sorry,” she repeated in their direction then turned back away feeling ashamed and confused. Jack looked up at them, urging them with his eyes to walk away and leave him and Sam with whatever privacy they could find. Taking the hint, they started walking away. Daniel turned back and said “we’ll, uh, be right over there, Sam, if you need us.” Irritated with Daniel’s insinuation that he couldn’t handle it, Jack pursed his lips. “We’ll be fine, Daniel.”

Jack rubbed his hand up and down Sam’s back in an effort to comfort her. “Im sorry I hurt you. I never want to hurt you.”

Sam shifted so she could look at him. “I’m so confused. You left me.”

Jack kept shaking his head. “I didn’t leave you. I wouldn’t leave you.” Jack grasped her arms tightly. “ Listen to me. We left the SGC two weeks ago and I’ve been here ever since. When did this happen?”

Sam stared at him quizzically. “I... it’s been more than two weeks. It’s been over a year.” She watched the concern in Jack’s face deepen as he shook his head. “Hasn’t it?”

“No. Two weeks, Carter. I haven’t seen you since we stepped through the gate.” 

“It can’t be.” Sam started shaking again. “I have...I have memories.”

Jack held her to him trying to calm her. He was getting frustrated despite himself. “What kind of memories?”

Sam worked to calm herself further, attempting to control her breath. She was so confused. He was obviously trying butsomething wasn’t right. “I... I have memories of us.”

“Us,” Jack repeated not sure what she was implying. “Us, um, how?” he asked.

“Sir,” she began, confused by what she saw in his eyes. She could see how much he cared but something wasn’t right. It felt like before. She needed to ask. She needed to know. She tucked her face into his shoulder, unable to look at him as she asked. “What is the nature of our relationship?” 

“What?”

He wasn’t going to make this easy. Sam closed her eyes and summoned the nerve to repeat herself. “What is the nature of our relationship?”

“Nature of our relationship?” Jack swallowed deeply, unsure exactly what she was asking and even more unsure how to respond. How, exactly, would one characterize the nature of their relationship, he thought. Colleagues, of course. Superior and subordinate, certainly. Friends. Maybe even family of sorts. Star crossed, ill-fated, cursed, and doomed to love one another silently from across all time and space yet still forsaking all others as long as we both shall live? Jack shook himself from his reverie. He pulled himself away from her slightly and turned her head so he could look at her face. “Carter, I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking but we work together. I’m your CO. We’re colleagues and friends.”He inspected every movement of every muscle in her face trying to gauge her reaction, fearful of how she might respond.

She just stared at him in contemplation. “So we never...?” she started, unwilling or unable to complete the question. 

“No. Never,” Jack responded, hoping his face wouldn’t betray the sadness and longing behind his words.

Sam cast her eyes downward for a bit and just nodded her head. When she brought her eyes back up to meet his, she removed her bottom lip from between her teeth and bluntly stated almost exactly what he’d begun to piece together. “We did in my world, sir.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just in case it’s unclear, everything in italics is what Sam is “remembering.”  
> There’s smut here but also some heartache, so be warned.  
> We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled prison cell in the next chapter.

“We did in my world, sir.”

As soon as she’d spoken the words the memories poured over her like a deluge.

_  
Sam didn’t know if she was elated or terrified. It had been a difficult year and she’d never expected to be this settled into making a life on a strange planet. She thought back to their first few months here. The people had been kind. They’d taken pity on the lost travelers and given them comfortable homes and jobs so that they could earn their keep. They were immensely grateful that they were stuck on a friendly planet, amazingly untouched by Goa’uld, and did what they could to assist the small farming community. They were sure that they’d be rescued any day and wanted to establish a good, friendly foundation since the people were kind and the soil rich with Naquadah. They hadn’t expected to still be there a year later._

_They’d been about to return through the gate when it had suddenly sputtered and died during the dialing sequence. Sam had easily discovered that the problem was with the DHD. Something had harmed one of the crystals and with no extra crystals she’d had no way to repair it. As expected, the SGC had dialed them shortly after they missed their scheduled return. Once aware of the situation, they sent some extra supplies through, informed them they’d figure out a plan, and would get back to them with news. But they’d never heard from them again. Not once. Yet the SGC knew where they were and Sam had calculated their position. She was confident that they weren’t far from where the Tok’ra or another one of their allies could easily reach them by ship. She couldn’t understand the delay in their rescue unless something awful had happened. Eventually, with no other options, they’d simply settled into life among their new friends. And now she was pregnant. Pregnant with Jack’s child while stranded on an alien planet. It wasn’t quite what she’d always imagined but she couldn’t say she wasn’t happy. She was, in fact, very happy._

_It had been a full 10 months after their arrival before she and Jack had given in to their feelings. They’d both known it was coming. They’d felt the walls of the room crumbling around them._

======

_Sam finished washing the clothing and, after hanging it to dry in the hot sun, decided to take a dip in the lake to cool off. She walked the short distance from their home and stripped down until she had nothing on but her thin, white slip. She waded in and dove down under the cool water._

_Jack was frozen in place a few feet from the water’s edge having had the same idea as she. He had removed his shirt and was about to take off his shoes when he was stunned to see Sam shoot up above the water, her slip translucent and glued to her skin. He tried to catch his breath as she fell back into the water.She shook her head and ran her hand through her wet hair before she opened her eyes and found him there._

_Smiling widely she waved her hand. “Hi! You’re done early.”_

_Jack swallowed and found his voice. “Yeah. We, uh, finished what we needed to get done and since it’s so hot we decided to head home early and relax.”_

_“You should come in. The water feels wonderful.” She stood up and started moving towards him. As she reached the shallow, her entire body was visible to Jack. Sam titled her head to the side wondering why he looked so stunned._

_“Uhhhhhhh, Carter,” Jack stammered. You’re, uh, slip. It’s, uh, well it’s wet and...”_

_Sam looked down at herself, realizing why Jack looked like he was about to pass out. She was momentarily struck by the urge to cover herself but just as quickly overcome by a stronger urge to let him keep looking. He looked so damn handsome standing there. She found she wanted him to look. In fact, she wanted him to do more than look. “Oh. Oops.” She giggled with feigned embarrassment. “Well come on in. I’ll get back in the water.” She turned and intentionally took longer than necessary to find her way back under the water, giving Jack a good long look at her backside._

_Jack hesitated for just a moment before stripping down to his underwear and following her into the lake. Sam smiled appreciatively at the well muscled man before her. She jumped him immediately and tried to push him under. They played and laughed like children for a bit when Jack struck out in revenge by grabbing Sam at the side and tickling her. She yelped and squirmed in his arms when his right hand accidentally found itself covering her left breast. Sam, eyes wide, stopped moving and looked at Jack. She felt him removing his hand and moved forward into his touch before he could. Jack watched her without moving. She smiled softly and placed her right hand over his, pressing it firmly against her breast. “Jack,” she whispered, closing her eyes as she felt his grip tighten._

_Jack wrapped his left arm around her waist and pulled her entire body tightly against his. “Sam.”_

_She opened her eyes and looked down at his mouth them back up to his eyes. She saw that he wasn’t going to act without her express permission so she simply leaned in and covered his mouth with her own. She found that was all the prodding he needed as he started kissing her in earnest, his hand still squeezing at her breast. Sam was overcome with desire for him. She’d wanted him for so long. She wanted him now and she intended to have him, all consequences be damned. She easily lifted her legs to surround his hips in the water and rubbed her center against him. She wasn’t surprised to find him hard but still shivered with the shock of how good that first contact felt. He thrust up toward her and she threw her head back wantonly as she pushed down harder on him._

_Jack took advantage of their new position bringing his head down to suck on a breast through the thin wet fabric of her slip. Mouth busy, he reached his hands down around her waist to hold her firmly against him as he continued to thrust up against her. Sam brought her hands to the waistband of Jack’s underwear and started reaching inside with one hand while pulling them down with the other. Jack froze and pulled his head up. “Sam.” He waited for her to meet his gaze. “Sam. Are you sure?”_

_She smiled one of her brightest smiles at him. “I’m more than sure, Jack.”_

_He was shivering a little despite the hot sun. “Because this means something to me, Sam. This needs to mean something.”_

_Sam traced her hand down his cheek and looked deeply into his eyes. “I love you Jack. Of course this means something.”_

_Jack grinned and she watched as an almost feral look overtook his features as he again pressed her tightly to him. His mouth found her neck and he sucked at her with the intent to mark when he stopped suddenly and said “here, Sam? We have a house and a bed and...”_

_Sam grunted and pulled his underwear down, quickly pressing herself back against him. “I thought I was supposed to be the one who thinks too much, Jack.” She laughed then grew serious and grasping him, placed him at her entrance. She looked into his eyes and reached her hands down around his backside so she could use the leverage to push herself down and onto him in the water. Jack once again took the hint and thrust. She gasped as she took all of him inside her. He waited a moment to be sure she was ok but hesitated no more when he felt her grasp at his backside urging him to move._

_Sam kept urging him on as he drove himself into her. “More, Jack. Harder.” Jack was not disappointed to find out how vocal she was._

_“Sam. Wait.” She looked at him confused. “I can’t get enough traction in the water,” he said, slightly embarrassed. “Maybe we should...”_

_Sam interrupted him and smiled. “You’re fine, Jack. I don’t think you realize how good this feels and I swear to god if you don’t start moving again this instance I’ll...” She was silenced as he shoved himself hard inside her. “More,” she commanded as he did it again. “More,” she repeated with each thrust, matching his movements with her own. Jack wasn’t sure if he’d suddenly done something different but the “more” turned to a “yes” and he reached down to find her clit as he found himself driving toward his own release. As he rubbed her, she grabbed harder at his backside and went still, impaling herself on him as he drove into her as fast and hard as he could in the water. She threw her head back. “Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.” She spasmed around him._

_Jack kept moving until he shuddered and released himself into her. He held her to him as they calmed, grateful for the buoyancy the water allowed as he was pretty sure he’d have lacked the muscle coordination without it. Sam placed her head down on his shoulder. “Wow. That was..._

_“Yeah,” Jack interrupted. “That was definitely something.” Sam rested herself against him. “Sam. Ithink I need to go lie down. Also, uh, I find myself a little concerned that we’ve given the neighbors a show.”_

_Sam lifted her head, looked around and giggled. “You might have a point there Jack. Let’s get home.” She lifted herself off of him, frowning slightly at the loss of contact. They both righted the little clothing they had on and she grabbed his hand to pull him out of the water._

_They got dressed and walked the short way home hand in hand. They fell into their new role as a couple quickly and easily. It happened so naturally that they hadn’t even had to inform Daniel and Teal’c. It just was and it was right. And it was obvious to everyone who saw them together._

_======_

_Sam lay her head on the tear drenched pillow alone in their bed. In the space of a few weeks she’d lost both Jack and their child. She wanted to scream and wail but she had nothing left in her. The women of the village had brought her a tea that was supposed to help ease the physical pain but she hadn’t touched it. She wanted to feel the pain. She deserved the pain. The women had warned her after Jack’s death, and she knew they were right, that something like this could happen if she failed to take care of herself. Of course it might have happened anyway but she preferred to blame herself. She’d been so overcome with grief and anger that she’d failed to listen. After watching Jack murdered right in front of her, her name his last pained word spoken, she’d lost her will. Daniel and Teal’c had tried to console her but they were deep in mourning themselves and she wasn’t interested in being helped._

_She’d been angry with him. They’d just found out about her pregnancy when a child from the village had been kidnapped by some traffickers in the night. They were told such kidnappings were an all too common event, that they rarely recovered the children, and that their rescue attempts often failed. Jack had immediately insisted on joining the search party. Sam had protested. She was having a difficult time. She was unusually emotional, not only from the new hormonal changes, but from the fear of birthing and raising a child on an alien planet coupled with the newfound knowledge that their child would likely be the target of criminals. Jack had insisted he’d be fine and despite her pleas, she’d understood in the end. He had to help. It’s what they did and what they’d want others to do for them._

_They’d succeeded. The entire town had come out in celebration upon hearing of their successful return. It was a joyous occasion until the festivities were cut short by gunshots. They’d missed a few of the men in their haste to get the child home and those men had returned to take revenge with an entire posse in tow. And then Jack was dead. For years they’d fought powerful enemies in almost impossible situations and Jack had lost his life to a mere man with a shotgun. Sam still couldn’t understand how they’d gained control of the crowd so easily and how it had all happened so quickly._

_The memory of that night made her tremble. She rested her hands near her now empty womb. All she’d had left of Jack and the few months they’d shared together was this baby. And she’d lost that too. She didn’t want to go on. She closed her eyes and hoped the world would disappear._


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

“Oh god,” Sam sobbed, lifting her hand to cover her mouth. She was overwhelmed by the difficult memories and the depth of her emotions. Closing her eyes, she tried to make sense of it all. The grief was so present, so palpable. Her heart literally ached. She recalled how for days after her mother’s death she’d laid in her bed gripping at her chest hoping it would release the pressure. But this wasn’t real. None of it was real. Jack was right in front of her. Alive. Not dead. She tried to make sense of the disparity between her recollections and what she was beginning to understand was reality.

“Are you alright?” She was pulled from her contemplation by the sound of Jack’s voice. 

“What? I’m fine,” she responded quickly. But she wasn’t fine. They both knew it. “I just don’t understand what happened. How could it have only been two weeks? I feel like I lived another life for almost a year and a half.” She looked at Jack, her face scrunched up in pain. “How is that possible?

Jack pondered this new information. So much time. He shrugged. “I don’t know.” He had no answers for her.

Sam was still shaking her head. “Was it intentional? Why would someone...?” She wrinkled her brow and let out a loud breath. “We don’t even really know what they did to me.”

“I know.” Jack frowned and reached to pull her closer.

Suddenly extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed, Sam quickly retreated from Jack’s embrace and planted herself along the wall beside him. “There’s no excuse for my earlier behavior, sir. I’ll understand if you feel the need to...”

Jack cut her off. “Don't be ridiculous, Carter. You weren't exactly yourself.”

Sam dropped her eyes to the floor. “No, sir. Thank you, sir.”

“Hey. It’s ok. I get it.” He rubbed his jaw debating his next question. “Wanna tell me about it?”

“What? No.” Completely taken aback by his request and even more uncomfortable she slid slightly further down the wall away from him.

“Why not?” Jack leaned toward her in an attempt to close the distance, already missing the feel of her in his arms. Sam just stared at him incredulously. “Carter, you were pretty upset there a minute ago about whatever it was that happened. And all that anger seemed directed at me. I just thought, maybe, we should, ya know, talk about it.”

Sam shook her head brusquely and started babbling. “No, sir. I.. I was confused. I didn’t remember and then I only remembered part of it. And then I was dreaming and I remembered more of it and I... I just wasn’t thinking straight. I get it now. None of it was real. None of it matters anymore. I’m... I’m fine, sir. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll be fine.”

“Maybe I’m just curious,” Jack replied, wanting to keep her talking. She’d done a poor job of convincing him that she was fine.

“What? Honestly, sir. We’ve just discovered that in all likelihood whoever or whatever it is that took me implanted false memories in my head and rather than ask how or why that happened you want to hear about all the good times we had?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Jack shrugged. “I don’t think we’re going to figure out the rest of the situation from inside this cell.”

Sam just shook her head again, frustrated. Maybe she could change the subject. “Speaking of which, sir. They feed us right? I’m starving.”

“They’ll be by in the morning with food and water.”

“Sir, what if they take me again. Or take one of you?”

“Not gonna happen, Carter.”

“You can’t know that, sir.”

“Sure I can.”

“And how is that?”

“Won’t let ‘em.”

Sam narrowed her eyes. “How?”

“I’ve been thinking. Other than very early on we’ve been model prisoners. There’s never been anyone down here but the same two guards. They’re getting lax. I can tell. We probably could’ve taken them earlier but, well, our focus was elsewhere,” he said giving her a little wink.

Sam feigned a smile. “Yeah, well. Thanks.

“Anytime, Carter. Now, back to where we were. Are you going to tell me anything at all about this fantasy you had about me?” Jack couldn’t hold back a playful grin.

“Really, sir.” She was becoming agitated again and just wanted him to stop. “It wasn’t like that.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Then what was with all the, uhhhh, ‘need you‘ stuff?”

Sam blushed furiously. “I, uh, like I said. I was confused. I’d been dreaming.

Jack didn’t exactly buy her explanation but he let it go. “Well, share what you can.” She stared at him blankly. “Look, Carter, the cat’s pretty much outta the bag at this point so you might as well.”

“It’s not that simple, sir.”

“No?”

“No,” Sam said, shaking her head.

Jack didn’t want to push her. She did seem to be acting more like herself and that was a good thing, he thought. “Ok, well, if you change your mind, I’m here.” He moved to place one arm around her shoulder while gently squeezing her thigh with the other.

Sam recoiled and took in a sharp breath. “Don't do that!” 

“What?”

“Touch me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you care.”

“I do care!”

“What? No. That’s not what I mean. I know you care. It’s just, I can’t right now.”

“Can’t what?”

“Do this.”

“Do what?”

“Do this. This thing we do.”

“Caring about one another?”

“Yes!”

“You don’t want me to care about you?”

“Stop it, sir,” she said giving him her best ‘stop acting foolish’ look.

“Carter,” he began, slightly annoyed. “I’m not being intentionally dense here. I really don’t understand. And I can’t _not_ do something when I don’t understand what it is you want me _not_ to be doing.”

Sam closed her eyes and sucked in a huge breath letting it out in a slow steady stream. “Sir... I... I... this hurts,” she said waving her hand back and forth between them. Jack continued looking at her with the same confused look on his face so she continued. “This. Being near you. Touching you. It hurts.”

“Hurts?”

Sam just gave him a sad and pleading look as if begging him to understand. He’d seen a similar look from her before, from behind the opposite side of an invisible force shield. The memory made him shudder a little. He was so sure he was about to lose her that day. And he wouldn’t, couldn’t leave her. And she’d looked at him in almost exactly the same way she was looking at him now. He tried to understand what she was trying to convey. He thought he’d seen love and regret in her eyes that day, aside from the more obvious ‘please sir, you’re going to die too if you keep standing there staring at me like that. Let me go.’ She wants me to let her go, he thought. I don’t want to let her go.

“I don’t want to let you go,” he said, surprising himself along with her.

Sam’s face wrinkled up and he watched her again try to hold back the tears. “That’s just it,” she said quietly, shrugging her shoulders in defeat. “You can’t let go of something you don’t already have.” She closed her eyes, unintentionally allowing a couple of tears to fall.

“Sam,” Jack sighed, reaching out to swipe the tears from her face for the second time that night.

The moment he made contact with her cheek, she startled. “Don’t.” She pulled away from his side, and slid into the corner a few feet away. She wrapped her arms around her chest, placed her head against the wall, and closed her eyes. She was in so much pain. She knew she needed to explain. To make him understand. She willed herself to speak. “It’s a particular kind of torture. If that was their goal. Quiet but effective.” She sat there quietly shaking her head until she continued. “They gave me exactly what I wanted. They gave me you, Jack. And I was happy. _We_ were happy.” He winced as she unconsciously brought her hands down to her stomach, wondering if it meant something. “And then they took you away. Killed you right in front of me. I grieved for you. And now they’ve given you back to me. But not really. So I have to grieve for you all over again. Only you’re not dead, this time. You’re alive and right in front of me. And everything feels... wrong.” Her hand pressed harder against her stomach as she opened her eyes turning to look directly at him. “Like I said, it’s a particular kind of torture.” She just stared at him, looking forlorn. “I know you want to help and I know you care. But you can’t. Not now. I... what I really need is space. Please just... just give me space.” She turned away from him and closed her eyes.

Jack, somewhat astonished by the direct and honest nature of her disclosure, sat there contemplating her confession. He couldn’t imagine finally being with her and then having to let her go. If he was completely honest with himself, that was a huge part of the reason why he’d never acted on his feelings. He told himself it was to protect her but she wasn’t a child. She was an adult who could make her own decisions. He just couldn’t bear the thought of loving her and possibly having to let her go. Their brief intimacy on the ice plant had been hard enough to rebound from. And, dear god, he hoped for her sake that he was just creating meaning in the path her hands had taken. He was overwhelmed by empathy and a desperate need to go to her but, wanting to respect her wishes and having no better ideas, he determined to do his best to give her the space she’d requested. So he turned his focus to getting them home. That was all he could do for her now. He stood up, brushed off his pants, took one last pained look at her, and walked over to wake Teal’c and Daniel. 


	5. Chapter 5

They made quick work of disarming the guards that morning. Jack was right. They’d become lax and weren’t expecting deadly hands slipping through cell bars as they crouched to place their food on the floor. One met his end but the other was offered a deal. Get them out and to the gate if he wanted to live. He was quick to agree to their terms.

As the guard led them through the dark passages, Sam suddenly stopped moving. “Carter. What are you doing? Move!” Jack called out.

She shook her head. “I need to know. I need to know what they did to me.” She turned to the guard. “What did they do to me? Take me where they kept me.” 

Jack reached for her. “Carter, we are not doing this. There’s no time. We need to get to the gate, now!” 

“No!” She shouted, pulling her arm from his grasp. “I need to know!” 

“Carter! Quiet.” 

Completely ignoring him, Sam pulled at the guards shirt as Teal’c held him. “Tell me. Take us there. Now!”

Jack was completely stunned by her flagrant disregard for his commands and the foolishness of her actions. “Major! You do as I say or I will reconsider my earlier decision regarding your insubordination.”

Sam winced at his tone and squinted as if the lights were too bright. She let go of the guard and turned to face Jack. “Yes, sir. I’m sorry sir.”

Jack glared at her. “Daniel. Watch her. If she so much as trips while we’re moving...”

“I’m fine, sir. It won’t happen again,” Sam called out.

“It better not.” He turned to Teal’c who was still restraining the guard. “Let’s go. Now.”

It turned out the gate wasn’t much more than 3 clicks from where they’d been held and they’d luckily made it there without further incident. As they reached the gate, the guard appeared to take pity on Sam. “I don’t know where you were. They brought you to us.” Sam, who hadn’t spoken again since her outburst, simply nodded then startled as Jack stepped behind the man and knocked him out. “Dial the gate, Daniel.”

As the gate sprang to life, he turned to Sam. “Look at me.”She did. “I’ll forget what happened back there but it will not happen again. Do you understand me, Major.

Moist eyed and chin trembling, Sam nodded her head. “Yes, sir.”

“Good.” Jack was much more frightened by her behavior than he was angry by this point. He just wanted to get her back to the SGC as quickly as possible so Janet could take a look at her.

He readied himself to announce their presence so they could get home.

======

When they finally made it back to the SGC, Jack found his usual sense of relief and success marred by the sight of a dejected and despondent Sam standing beside him. She looked utterly exhausted and, adding to Jack’s sorrow, wouldn’t even spare a glance in his direction. Putting on a decent show as General Hammond welcomed them home, she immediately raced toward the infirmary once given the go ahead.

When Jack arrived, Sam was already speaking softly with Janet and made no move to acknowledge him or any of her team when they entered. As she and Janet finished speaking, Janet touched Sam’s arm, gave her a nod, and moved to speak to Jack. “I’m going to take her for an MRI, EEG and a few other tests now. Hopefully they'll give us some answers. I’ll have the results in time for the briefing.” She paused. “Colonel. Is there anything else I need to know? She told me what happened, about her false memories, but it’s possible your perspective could help.”

Jack pursed his lips. “She’s not acting like herself, Doc. She’s irritable and...” he couldn’t find the right words. “Just not in control like she normally is. It’s like she’s reacting to impulses she’d normally have in check.”

Janet gave him a supportive nod. “I understand you, Colonel. We’ll figure it out.”

As Janet walked back to collect Sam, he wondered exactly how much detail about about her memories Sam had chosen to share. The potential consequences of her admitting to a sustained fantasy of them in an inappropriate relationship did not escape him. He rested his head in his hand letting out a deep distressed breath.

He didn’t see her again until the briefing.

======

Sam sat down at the briefing table, grasped her hands together in front of her, and kept her eyes turned downward. She was working hard to maintain her composure and was concerned that she’d be easily throw off balance if her attention wandered to Jack. She’d managed to control the uncomfortable tornado of emotions swirling inside her by focusing all her attention on figuring out how to present her report. Anything she revealed concerning her memories of being with Jack would become record and could have extensive ramifications. She’d had the good sense to skip those details when she spoke to Janet and intended to do the same now. She focused on her breath to stay calm and composed. 

She listened as Jack, Daniel, and Teal’c explained what had happened between their capture and Sam’s return which, in reality, wasn’t very much. They recounted the details of Sam’s confusion over Jack being alive and explained that she’d seemed unusually distressed and emotional. She knew her team had her back but was still relieved that they’d left out the more uncomfortable details. When General Hammond turned to her, she took one last calming breath, lifted her head and began to recount her experience. She explained that she had absolutely no recollection of where she was taken or held or by whom and then explained that for whatever reason she remembered almost a year and a half of them being stranded on a planet with no way home and no contact with the SGC. 

“The people of the planet were kind, sir. They provided us with homes and jobs so we could live comfortably in the community. It was pretty basic. A farming community similar to maybe turn of the century America. We lived and worked and hoped for rescue.” She wasn’t lying. Just omitting.

Hammond leaned forward in his chair. “And there was nothing unusual, Major? I’m just trying to imagine what purpose could exist behind this. Perhaps an effort to gain information through manipulation much the way Hathor attempted with her fake SGC. Do you remember conversations regarding earth’s defenses or anything like that?”

“No, sir. I recall discussions with the team in which I explained why the gate wasn’t working and that I thought the Tok’ra or Asgard should be able to locate us but, like I said sir, there really wasn’t much for us to do other than live our lives.

“Alright, Major. Thank you.” Hammond then asked for the rest of the story concerning their escape and when they completed their recount, Sam was again relieved that no one had recounted the details of how she’d delayed them. Hammond turned his attention to Janet. “Doctor, I’m ready for your report now.”

Yes, sir,” Janet replied, launching into her report. “As you know, I ran a number of tests on Major Carter to try and determine a cause for her false memories and her somewhat out of character behavior.” She sent a small smile Sam’s way but realized Sam wasn’t looking at her. “I noticed some abnormalities in Major Carter’s scans, her EEG in particular. Unsure what to make of them, I asked a colleague who is a specialist in the field to look them over. That’s why my report took longer than anticipated.”

“That’s fine, Doctor,” Hammond assured her. “The more information we have the better.”

Janet nodded her head. “Of course, sir. My colleague explained that the abnormalities in the scans are similar to those found in humans who’ve experienced prolonged periods of sensory deprivation or extreme isolation.” Noting the confused looks around the table, she continued. “Severe sensory deprivation can result in symptoms such as heightened anxiety, confusion, emotional swings, or hallucinations. Due to the ethical issues arising from intentionally inflicting such conditions on people, no directed scientific experiments have ever been conducted. However, the effects have been studied in populations such as prisoners in solitary confinement, astronauts on long term space missions, and even scientists confined to small research stations in the Antarctic.”

Hammond cocked his head. “So is that what you think happened to Major Carter, Doctor? She was placed in some sort of state of sensory deprivation?”

“I have no way of knowing, sir, but I think it might make some sense. Brain scans of individuals placed in sensory deprivation tanks for even short periods of time indicate that normal brain function is extremely reduced. With normal brain function reduced, the brain focuses on other functions such as problem-solving, memory consolidation, and emotional sorting.” Sam could feel Jack’s eyes burning a path straight through her at Janet’s words. “It’s possible that Major Carter’s subconscious created some sort of narrative in her mind that helped her withstand the more negative effects of the situation. Of course, and I’m sorry to say, this is all speculation.”

“But for what purpose?” All eyes turned to Daniel. “Why place Sam in a state of sensory deprivation?”

I can’t possibly know that,” Janet responded. “We don’t even know if that’s really what happened. It’s all guesswork at this point.”

“Understood, Doctor.” Hammond leaned back in his chair. “If there’s nothing else, I’m inclined to put SG-1 on stand down for a couple of weeks to see if anything else crops up. Doctor, what’s your recommendation as far as Major Carter leaving the base?”

Sam looked up and stared pleadingly at Janet.

“I don’t see any reason for Major Carter to remain here. I do however...” Janet hesitated slightly, glancing at Sam. “recommend that she attend regular therapy sessions to sort through her experience.” 

Sam closed her eyes and nodded. She wasn’t thrilled with the ordered therapy but was beyond grateful that she could go home. For the first time since joining the SGC, Sam wanted nothing more than to leave the mountain as soon as possible.

“So, we’re just going to leave this as an unknown?” Daniel looked around the table. “We’re not going to make any attempt to figure out what happened to Sam? It seems odd to me right now that I’m the only one concerned about nefarious intent here, not to mention concerns about Sam’s mental health.”

Sam bristled at his words. She didn’t need her mental health any more in question at this moment.

Hammond turned his attention to Daniel and sighed. “You’re not. But frankly son, without some clear long term effect on Major Carter necessitating our gathering more information, I can’t see how we can figure this out. Based on your own report, you were captured the moment you stepped through the gate. I won’t place you or another team at risk without any reason to believe the exact same thing won’t happen again.”

“I understand that but we could at least make inquiries of our allies to see if they know anything about the planet and its people. We’re just guessing about Sam right now and what if she gets worse or something else happens? I don’t think we should just leave this.”

General Hammond thought for a moment. “Alright. I see no reason why we can’t do that. It’s probably for the best. In the meantime, I agree with Doctor Fraiser’s recommendations for you, Major Carter. Two weeks SG-1. Dismissed.

As soon as the word dismissed left his mouth, Sam said a perfunctory “yes, sir” and jumped out of her chair.

Jack knew she’d asked for space and he intended to give it to her but he couldn’t help following her as she headed down the hall. “Carter,” he called as he caught up to her. She paused reluctantly and, keeping her back to him, responded with a simple “yes, sir?” 

Jack sighed internally and continued. “Carter. I know you said you needed space and I’ll give it to you. I just want to be sure you know that I’m here for you, if you change your mind. Always.”

“Thank you, sir.” Her head turned slightly back toward him. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

When she just stood there not moving Jack asked, “Carter, was there something else?”

“No, sir.” Sam fisted her hands. “I’m just waiting to be dismissed.”

“Oh, for cryin’ out loud, Carter.” Sam tensed up and Jack immediately regretted the obvious displeasure he’d conveyed. “Of course you’re dismissed. This wasn’t... I wasn’t...” Jack let out a stream of frustrated breath. “Yes, Major, you’re dismissed,” he said, defeated, watching his heart speed icily away from him down the hall.


	6. Chapter 6

Once safely inside her home, Sam collapsed against the inside of her door. All the emotions she’d been so carefully keeping at bay came flooding to the surface as she let out an anguished sob and slid to the floor. She knocked her head back against the door, frustrated with herself for not being stronger. She was so weak. She was falling apart over something that wasn’t even real. But all she could think of was Jack. Jack holding her. Jack consoling her. Jack kissing her. Jack making love to her. Jack’s hand on her belly when she’d told him about the baby. It still felt so real. The grief. The loss. The pain. The emotions were real and she couldn’t shake them. She cried for the life they’d had. She cried for the life they’d lost. She cried for the life they could never have. And she cried for the colossal rift she’d created between them, effectively ending what little relationship they had now.

She cried until she couldn’t cry anymore, her heart breaking even further as she debated how to live with this pain and realized she couldn’t. “I can’t stay on SG-1,” she whispered painfully into the air. She couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t be near him everyday. She couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She wasn’t even sure how she could even remain walking the same halls as him knowing he was so close. Her head fell to her chest in resignation and she almost guffawed at the cruel irony of the situation. For over 6 years they’d denied themselves only to end up in the exact same place they’d feared. In a worse place actually. Because now they couldn’t have SG-1 or each other.

She picked herself up off of her floor and dragged her tired body to her bedroom where she managed to get her clothing off before collapsing, exhausted, onto her bed.

She awakened just a few hours later with her head pounding. She made her way to the kitchen, filled a glass with water and swallowed some painkillers. She thought she should eat. She couldn’t really remember when she’d last eaten. She opened the refrigerator only to recoil at the sight of rotting food and otherwise bare shelves. She found some crackers in the pantry and managed to get a few down before collapsing on her couch. Placing the crackers and water down on her coffee table, she pulled a throw blanket into her lap, curled up in a ball, and just sat there, staring at the wall trying to shake the feeling that her entire world was collapsing around her.

======

Jack had puttered around his house for five long days trying not to think about Sam. It wasn’t going well. He’d been calling Daniel daily asking if he’d talked to her. Daniel had explained that he and Teal’c made sure one of them checked on her daily but that their offers to visit had been refused. She’d insisted she was fine and just needed some time alone to sort through everything and recuperate. Even though it frustrated him to hell, Jack had no choice but to accept that she didn’t want to see him. She’d been clear on that and Daniel had only confirmed it by letting him know that she’d repeated as much the one time Daniel mentioned Jack’s name. 

He was just debating getting into bed when his phone rang. He reached over and picked it up. “O’Neill.”

All he heard was sniffling on the other end but he knew it was Sam. “Carter,” he said. “You ok?” His heart pounded in his chest as he waited for her to speak. “Carter?” he said again desperate to hear something other than her crying.

“Can you come over?” He’d barely heard her she’d said it so low.

“I’ll be right there,” he said, grabbing his keys and running out the door.

Jack had a difficult time obeying traffic laws as he raced to Sam’s. She’d sounded awful and he’d already been worried about her. He didn’t admit to himself that he was also just missing her desperately. He pulled up to the curb in front of her house and quickly put his truck in park. He ran up to her door and knocked, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited. The door swung open and Sam stood there looking particularly worn and tired.

“Hey.” Jack gave her a smile. “You ok?”

Sam started to open her mouth then closed her eyes and, swaying slightly, leaned clumsily against the wall beside her. Jack took a quick step forward and grabbed her. “Crap, Carter, what the...?” He felt her regain her balance. “Can you walk?”

Sam said nothing, just slowly closed and opened her eyes.She turned and walked back toward her living room with Jack following close behind after shutting her front door. She led him toward her couch and Jack carefully stepped over the used tissues, empty Diet Coke cans, and other random items strewn haphazardly across her floor. She slumped down on the couch and Jack sat down next to her. “So what can I do you for, Carter?”

Sam turned to look at Jack, laying the side of her head back onto her couch. “I can’t sleep.”

“Have you slept at all?” 

Sam scrunched up her face in frustration. “Not really. I pass out here and there for a little.”

Jack took a good look at her. Her skin was pale. Even her eyes were paler than normal overshadowed as they were by the deep blue circles surrounding them. Her hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed and possibly not even washed in days. She even looked thinner and Jack wondered if it was possible to lose a noticeable amount of weight in just a few days. He scanned the area looking for evidence that she’d been eating, finding little. He managed to force a grin onto his face. “How can I help?”

Sam considered his question, looking at him through the one eye she was managing to keep open. She inhaled then let out a deep breath. Forcing herself up to a standing position she held her hand out to Jack. He took it without hesitation. She walked him back toward her bedroom and, pulling down the covers, simply guided him to sit on her bed. Walking around to the other side, she got in herself and, facing away from him, backed her body up until she was right beside him. She turned her head and looked over her shoulder at him expectantly. Jack felt an unexpected rush of emotion as he looked down into her weary eyes. He never ceased to be shocked by the extent of his feelings when they were forced to the surface like this. He quickly followed her lead. Lying down next to her he pulled her flush against his body and wrapped her in his arms. She let out a small sigh of relief and relaxed fully. Some moments passed and he wondered if she’d fallen asleep when the stillness was broken by a quiet “thank you” and the tightening of her arm around his. Jack buried his face in her neck. “Shhhh. I’ve got you. Sleep now.” And she did. 

======

Jack’s need to relieve himself had reached breaking point. He’d ignored the urge for far too long, hesitant as he was to risk waking Sam who, to his great relief, had been sleeping soundly for some time. He slowly began untangling himself from her when she stirred and held tightly to his arm. “Jack?” 

He squeezed her tightly. “Good morning sunshine. Sorry to wake you but nature calls. I’ll be right back. Scout’s honor.” Sam relaxed her hold on his arm. “Sorry,” she said sleepily. “No problem. Back in a moment,” Jack replied, extricating himself from her hold.

Jack returned quickly to find Sam lazily yawning andstretching her long lithe body amidst the mess of pillows and blankets. Jack was mesmerized, finding her as alluring as ever. He got back into bed and watched her. She settled back down and turned to face him, the barest hint of a smile on her face. Jack grinned widely. “Are we going back to sleep or have you had enough?” 

“Mmmmm. I think I’m up. How long was I out?”

“About eleven hours.”

Sam’s eyes went wide and she turned her gaze to the clockon her bedside table. “Holy Hannah! I can’t remember the last time I slept so much.”

Jack smiled at her. “You were pretty zonked there, Carter.” She just shrugged. “Hey. How about some breakfast?” Jack was anxious to get her to eat.

Sam frowned. “I’m not really hungry.”

Jack pursed his lips. “Carter, you need to eat. Do you even know when you last ate?”

Sam captured her lower lip in her top teeth and just shrugged some more.

“That’s what I thought. I’ll be right back.”

Sam watched him walk out of her bedroom. She knew she should be grateful to Jack but she found herself irritated with him. She didn’t want his help. She wasn’t sure she even wanted him there. She knew she should eat and she certainly felt better after a good night’s rest but she’d reached out to him against her better judgement, basically in shameful desperation, and now found herself frustrated with his presence. Jack returned to the bedroom with eyebrows raised and hands up in the air. “You’ve got no food, Carter. Unless plain spaghetti sounds like an appealing breakfast to you, I’ll run to the store.”

Sam frowned. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Of course I don’t. I want to. Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll be back in no time.” Jack turned to leave. 

“I don’t need you to take care of me.”

Jack spun back around. “Carter. Normally I’d agree with you but the state I found you in last night says otherwise. Now I’m going to get you some food because I’d prefer you didn’tstarve to death. If you want me gone when I return, let me know and I’ll go.” Confused by her sudden shift in mood and frustrated with her obstinance, he walked out not waiting for a response.

Sam was incensed. She was about to fling herself out of thebed to chase after him and tell him off when she heard the the front door slam. “Of all the...” she started mumbling as she threw the blankets off of her and headed angrily toward the bathroom. She yanked her tank top and pants off leaning into the shower to start the water. She climbed in once the water had warmed and stared washing her hair furiously grumbling about being perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She felt hot tears start streaming down her face as she became even more irate. She grabbed for her soap and ended up flinging it against the shower wall. “Dammit!” she cried feeling herself losing steam in both mind and body. She slumped against the tile wall away from the water and took a deep breath trying to calm herself.

She was so angry at him but she couldn’t understand why. She felt so weak. Needing to call him and have him hold her just so she could sleep. And he was right. She was a mess and hadn’t been taking care of herself. She just wanted things to go back to normal. She wanted to be rid of this overwhelming grief and exhaustion. She’d been cruel to him when he was just trying to help. And after she’d been the one who’d called asking him to come over. She wasn’t just weak. She was cruel too. Selfish. She reached down to pick up the soap and wearily finished washing herself. She’d try to be kinder to him when he returned. What had happened wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t the reason she was hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you have questions about what happened. We’re just not there yet... Answers are coming (and already written)! 
> 
> Also, if anyone feels like helping a newbie out... is this story considered cannon compliant? Something else ? It’s not AU. I want to give readers a clue as to what they’ll be reading but I don’t know the correct terminology! Oh my. Such problems. ;)


	7. Chapter 7

Sam heard Jack entering the house as she was pulling her sweats on. I must have been berating myself in the shower for longer than I realized, she thought. She finished getting dressed and walked out of her room to find him in the kitchen pulling old stale food out of her fridge and dumping it in the garbage. She’d been cruel and he was being so kind. She walked over to him. “Let me help you with that.”

Jacked turned at the sound of her voice. “I got it, Carter. Why don’t you pick up a little in there.” He pointed toward her living room and watched as she moved to do as he’d asked. He finished cleaning out the fridge and replacing the old food with fresh. “How about some eggs? I’ve got fruit too.”

“Sounds great,” she replied, forcing a smile onto her face.

Jack was happy to see that she seemed a little less tense since he’d returned although he knew that hadn’t been a true Carter smile. He started preparing the food and Sam came in and leaned against the counter to watch him. “Thank you.” Jack looked over at her and smiled. “No. Really. I appreciate it, sir. I’m sorry I sounded less so earlier.”

“It’s fine, Carter. Not to worry.Anytime you need me, I’m here.” He turned back to the food “Hey. Coffee’s ready. Pour yourself a cup.”She did and prepared one for him as well. “Thanks,” he said, taking a sip. “Food’s almost ready too. Grab the plates and forks and I’ll bring it over.”

They sat across from each other at the table. Sam put a bite of eggs in her mouth. “This is really good, sir.”

Jack was just happy to see her eating. “Glad you’re enjoying. I don’t break out my breakfast skills for just any woman.” He smirked and thought he caught her blushing a little as she giggled into her fork. That giggle seemed real. He’d missed her giggle. Maybe they’d be ok after all. Maybe she was coming back around. But he missed the sadness that crept across her face just after as she looked down again at her plate. 

Sam was contemplating how to tell him that she wanted off SG-1. How to tell him this was a mistake and she shouldn’t have reached out to him. This is too comfortable, she thought. He’s acting like Jack. The other Jack. The Jack I could love. The Jack who loved me. It was confusing her. He’s not that Jack. Sam gazed across the table to see him making silly faces at her to try and make her laugh. She fought the urge to smile. Why does he torture me? She had to end this once and for all. She put her fork down on her plate and looked over at him, ready to tell him the bad news but was surprised by what actually came out of her mouth. “Why are you here, sir?”

Jack gaped at her. “Carter?”

“Why are you here?”

Uh oh, he thought. Here we go again. “You called me and asked me to come over.”

Sam shook her head. “No. I know. But you didn’t have to come and you certainly don’t still need to be here.”

Jack grimaced and stood up from his chair. “If you want me to go, Carter, just say so.”

“No!” Sam stood up herself, suddenly petrified that he’d leave. “Don’t go. Please.” Dammit, she thought, confused by her own actions. That’s not what I want. 

Jack sighed. “Then what _do_ you want from me?”

“I don’t want...!” Sam stood there dumbfounded. What did she want from him? Everything. Nothing. She had no idea. She remained silent.

Jack ran his hand through his hair. “You asked me to come over. I wanted to come over. I want to help you. I want to be here. I want to be here with you.”

She stood there, frozen in place and thinking about his words. She tried to make sense of and dampen the confusing emotions swirling around inside her and threatening to take over. She closed her eyes and put her head down. “I shouldn’t have called you.”

“But you did.”

Sam looked back up at him. “Yes, I did.”

“And you don’t want me to go.”

Sam frowned and shook her head, embarrassed again of the tears threatening to fall. “No.”

“So?”

She put her head down again. “I’m weak.”

Jack laughed. “Weak? How are _you_ weak?”

Sam clenched her jaw. “It’s not funny.”

Jack walked towards her. “Look at me.” She didn’t. He grabbed her hands. “Why do you think you’re weak?”

Sam sighed, still refusing to look at him. “Because I can’t let that memory go. I can’t stop needing y...” She stopped and let out a long breath. “I just can’t get back to where I was before.”

Jack squeezed her hands. “Hey. Look at me. Please.” She looked up into his deep brown eyes and he reached for her just like she wanted, needed. He pulled her against him. She put her head down on his shoulder and clung to him tightly, breathing him in. He hadn’t showered, she knew, and it made him smell even more like him. She liked his smell. It made her feel safe and calm and something else she wouldn’t acknowledge at that moment.

Jack wondered if he was hurting her, holding her as tightly as he was. But he couldn’t seem to loosen his grip. He was almost afraid to. Afraid she’d start pushing him away again.He just wanted to hold her. To hold her until she stopped fighting him. He’d do anything for her. Anything. He really would. He’d retire. He’d lie. He’d even leave her alone again if that was what she really wanted but god he hoped that wasn’t what she wanted. She felt so good up against him. He moved a hand up into her hair, massaging her head and heard her let out a little sigh. He kept moving his hand in her hair as she pushed back into it and moaned into his neck. He pulled away from her slightly, still grasping her tightly in his arms. He didn’t want to pretend anymore. He looked straight into her eyes. “Why do you have to get back to where you were before?

Sam returned his gaze. He loves me, she thought. This Jack. The real Jack. Once she allowed herself to acknowledge it, she knew it instinctively. Every look, every action, and every word told her as much. He loved her and she loved him. Why was she fighting this so hard? She knew why she wasn’t supposed to love him but couldn’t find the ability to care in that moment. Loving him seemed like such an easy way to escape the pain. “You love me,” she said. It was a statement, not a question. 

Jack gave her a crooked smile. “Don’t you know that, Carter. All I’ve ever wanted is to make you smile.” Sam’s face broke into a huge grin. “Exactly like that,” he said, smiling just as widely. “I love your smiles, Carter.”

Jack’s happiness started to wane as he watched the smile fade from her face. She was looking at him in a new way and with a new intensity. He wasn’t sure what it meant. His heart started pounding in his chest.

“Do you want me?” she asked, suddenly filled with a desperate need for him.

“Do I want you?” he repeated, eyes wide and throat dry.

She smiled softly. “Yes, Jack. Do you want me?”

Jack’s breath hitched in his throat. So that’s what that look means, he thought, adding it to the catalogue. “God, yes.”

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, pressed herself to him and whispered into his ear. “Then take me.”

Jack swallowing audibly. “I’m really glad I brought my extra toothbrush in from the car earlier.”

Sam laughed at him. “Me too, I guess.”

“Sam. Are we?”

“Yes, Jack. We are.” She grasped his hand and pulled him toward her bedroom much as she had last night except he was pretty sure her current aim wasn’t a good night’s sleep. At least he hoped.

She pushed him down into a sitting position on her bed and stood over him. Staring straight into his eyes, she grasped the bottom edge of her sweatshirt and pulled it up and off her body. She obviously hadn’t bothered to put a bra on earlier and Jack was enthralled. Next, she stuck her thumbs into the waistband of her sweatpants and pushed them to the floor, stepping out of them one leg after the other. She stood there in nothing but tiny white cotton panties, biting her bottom lip, anxiously waiting for him to react. He did nothing, momentarily paralyzed by the site of her. She’s stunning, he thought. Dear god she’s stunning. I’ve never in my life wanted anyone this much. “Jack?” he heard her say.

It took all of his faculties to respond with a simple “Yeah?”

Sam touched his chin and lifted his face to look him in the eyes “Is this ok?”

He looked her up and down and a huge smiled spread across his face. “You’re just so beautiful.”

She smiled shyly and a deep pink blush rose up from between her breasts and onto her face. She moved her body close to his and straddled him, reaching her hands up to his face to pull him in for a kiss. When their lips met and he felt her tongue dip out he lost all conscious thought. He grabbed her behind her back and flipped her onto the bed. She was looking up at him with him such love and devotion in her eyes that he almost didn’t believe the moment was real until he heard her speak. “Make love to me, Jack.”

Jack dipped down again to capture her mouth with his. He kissed her languidly just relishing the fact that he could. Lifting a hand to squeeze one of her full breasts, he licked a path from behind her ear and down her throat until he could capture her other breast with his mouth. Sam leaned into his touch and moaned. He reached one hand down to run his fingers along the edges of her underwear.

“Jack,” she said, lifting towards his hand. “God, Jack. I want you.” She grabbed at the back of his shirt attempting to pull it up and out of his pants. “Off” she said, frustrated. Jack lifted up, grinned at her, and removed the offending garment.

Sam ran her hands up and down his back, frustrated by Jack’s slow deliberation. “I want you,” she repeated and moved her hands toward his pants. Jack backed away and she moaned in frustration. “Not yet.” He moved his hands back down to her underwear and grasped the sides. She didn’t hesitate in lifting herself off the mattress so he could remove them. She licked her lips in anticipation waiting to see what he would do. Jack slowly ran a finger up through her folds and she gasped. “You’re so wet,” he said looking up at her. She just grinned, raised a shoulder and smiled shyly at him. So beautiful, he thought, as he backed up and dipped down to taste her.

“God. Jack.” She squirmed beneath him as he continued his efforts. Her body was on fire. She couldn’t remember feeling this way before. His tongue swiped hard against her clit. She felt her orgasm approaching quickly but she wanted him inside her when she came. “Jack. Please. Inside me,” she begged. Jack, thinking that sounded like a grand idea, quickly unbuttoned his pants shoving them down with his boxers. Freeing his feet, he crawled back up until he was resting between her legs and could look directly into her eyes. “I do love you, ya know. I’m not sure I actually said that earlier.”

Sam smiled widely at him. “I know. I love you too.”

You’re sure about this right?” Jack suddenly found himself wondering if they should be doing this considering recent events and her resulting emotional state.

Sam looked up at him and smiled. “Jack. I just told you I love you. I’m sure. I promise.” Seeing him still hesitating she took his hand and brought it down so he could be reminded of how wet and ready she was for him. “Do you feel that, Jack? I want you. Please. Inside me. Now. ”

Jack grinned widely. “Yes ma’am,” he said, swiftly pushing inside as they both groaned from the new sensation. “More Jack,” Sam said after a short while, needing to feel him take her completely. In response, Jack lifted her hips high and pounded into her. “Yes, Jack. Yes,” she moaned until she started quivering and whimpering. “Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack.” She repeated his name over and over which only spurned him on to move even faster until she was clenching and coming around him. “God, Sam,” he said, and with a few more strokes released inside her.

Jack collapsed on top of her, panting. He was so happy. She loved him. He rolled over onto his back, pulling her with until she was almost on top of him. He stroked his hand through her hair for a bit while he caught his breath. “I love you,” he sighed, overwhelmed by the moment. He felt her start trembling and realized his chest was wet beneath her face. Terror shot through him as he shifted beneath her. “Sam? Sam, are you ok?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite what I find to be a consensus in the other direction, I think Jack can and will express his emotions when sufficiently moved to do so. ;)


	8. Chapter 8

“I’m fine, Jack.”

Jack twisted his body trying to look at her face as she swiped her hand across her cheek to wipe away her tears. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “I didn’t hurt you did I?”

Sam let out a sob and a laugh at the same time. “No. You didn’t hurt me. I’m just happy, Jack. And I seem to have gone soft. I just cry all the time now apparently. It’s really annoying.”

Jack laughed. “I kind of like that you’re soft.” He ran his hand over the soft skin of the leg she’d draped over his own.

Sam looked up and smiled at him before her face fell again “I know it wasn’t real but you don’t know how I’ve missed you. How much it hurt.”

Jack hugged her to him. “You’re right, I don’t. But I can imagine and it’s not a comfortable feeling. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t intend to leave your side ever again.”

“Well, let’s not go crazy now,” she said, feigning horror.

“Oh. Is that so?” Jack flipped her over and started tickling her until she begged him to stop.

“Ok you win,” she cried. “We’re attached at the hip for the rest of our lives.”

Jack laid back down. “Success.”

They snuggled for a bit but Jack heard her thinking. “What happens now?” she asked.

“Whatever you want, Sam. I’ll do whatever you want.” Jack ran his fingertips slowly over her arm and up to her shoulder. “Wait, except end this. We’re not ending this are we Sam?”

She lifted her head and and placed it atop her hands on his chest so she could look straight at him. “No way. I lost you once,” she said sadly, “I’m not losing you again.”

“Sam, tell me about it.”

She sighed. “There’s not that much to tell. There was this. There was work. We just had a normal happy relationship.”

“You were pregnant weren’t you?

Sam gasped and put her head back down on his chest. “Jack, don’t. Don’t ruin this.”

“I just...”

“Jack, I’m not ready to talk about it. Any of it.

“You haven’t been to see MacKenzie, have you?”

“Dammit, Jack!” Sam pushed herself off of him and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Sam. I’m just sayin’, if you won’t talk to me I think it’s important that you talk to someone and you’re supposed to go.”

Sam turned her head around and glared at him. “Who are you, Jack? My lover or my CO?”

“What?”

“Which is it, Jack? Who are you? You can’t just fuck me then start giving me orders! What’s next? ‘Suck my dick, Major’ and I need to do it!”

Jack couldn’t remember the last time he’d really cried. He assumed it had to have been when Charlie died. But in that moment he felt real tears threatening. She was not ok. Sam would never say something like that. He’d made an awful mistake. Moments before he’d been in a state of utter bliss. They should be happy. Cuddling. Kissing. Murmuring sweet nothings for all he cared. But not this. Not her, red faced and angry, throwing awful hurtful accusations his way. His heart ached. His head hurt. He was scared for her and scared for them. He had no idea what to do.

“You can’t keep hurting me like this!”

Jack was beside himself. “Sam. Let’s talk about this. I would never demand something like that from you. Tell me how I hurt you.” She sat there looking at him, tears now overflowing. He was afraid even to reach for her. Why was she reacting like this. “Please, Sam. I love you. Do you hear me? I love you.” 

Sam blinked rapidly a few times and brought her hand to her forehead. Turning back away from him and facing the wall, she said, “my head hurts.”

Jack frowned. Not exactly what he was expecting. “I can go grab the painkillers and some water.”

“Thank you.”

Jack got up and went to pour some water and grab the bottle of painkillers he’d seen on her coffee table. As he did, he tried to let go of his fear. She wasn’t at all ok. He couldn’t understand what had just happened. He couldn’t even ask her to talk about it with Mackenzie. Neither one of them could without the two of them ending up behind bars. He’d screwed up. He was sure of that.

He walked back to her bedroom to find the door shut. He paused in surprise for a moment then knocked softly, receiving no response. “Sam?” When he again received no answer, he tried the door finding it locked. “Sam! Sam, open the door.” No response. “Dammit, Sam. Please open the door!”

“Go away, Jack.”

“No.”

“Go away.”

“No, Sam. I won’t.”

“I don’t want you here.”

Jack bashed his fist against her door. “Sam. Don’t do this.”

“No.”

Jack considered his options. He could very easily break the door down. But he didn’t want to scare her or upset her any more than she already was. He also didn’t want to leave her alone. He sat down with his back against the door. “I’m going to be right here, Sam. You let me in or come out when you’re ready.”

“I want you to go, Jack. This is my house. I want you to go.”

This is ridiculous, he thought. He had no idea what to do. “Sam. What if I leave but someone else comes over? Daniel maybe?” He thought Janet was the best idea but he couldn’t put Janet in that position. “I’ll leave if I know someone else is here with you. I’m worried about you.”

There was a long pause before she responded. “Teal’c.”

Well alright, that’ll do. He ran to call Teal’c, explained the situation then went back to sit outside her door to await Teal’c’s arrival. It was quiet. “Sam?”No response. He heard the water running. It sounded like she was showering. Jack ran his hand through his hair and punched at the ground a few times. He was so frustrated with himself. He should have known better.

A short while later, the doorbell rang and Jack jumped up to let Teal’c in. Realizing all his clothing was still in Sam’s bedroom he held a throw pillow to himself. Teal’c looked Jack up and down and raised an eyebrow.

“All my clothing is in the room with her.”

“I see. I assume there has been no change with Major Carter since you called.”

“She won’t let me in.I screwed up bad, Teal’c.”

“Perhaps you have, O’Neill.” 

Jacked gaped at his friend. “Thanks. I feel so much better now.”

“It is not you I wish to make feel better at this time, O’Neill.”

“Right. Let’s see if she’ll come out.” Jack started heading back toward her bedroom. He stopped and turned back to Teal’c. “And thanks.”

Teal’c just nodded his head slightly then moved to Sam’s bedroom door. “Major Carter. I am here.”

“I’ll come out once Jack leaves.”

Jack shook his head. “I’ll leave once you come out.”

There was silence for a few beats. “Major Carter. O’Neill is naked. It would be in violation of this planet’s customs for him to walk outside like this.” Jack thought how, at any other time, that would have been one of the funniest things Teal’c had ever said. Just not today.

Inside her room, Sam looked around and realized the accuracy of Teal’c’s statement. After gathering Jack’s things, she unlocked and opened the door. Without looking up, she held the items out to him. “Just go, Jack. Please.”

Jack frowned, grabbed his things, and looked over at Teal’c. “Take care of her. You know how to find me.” He walked around the corner to quickly pull on his jeans and shirt, stuffing the rest in his pocket. Not giving a damn about holding back anymore he called out, “I love you, Sam. Don’t forget that.” With a heavy heart, he walked out of her house.

Back by her bedroom, Sam was fighting tears again. “Hi Teal’c,” she said, voice shaking. “Thanks for coming over.”

“Major Carter. How may I be of service?”

“Let’s go sit down.” She led him to her couch. Once seated, she looked over at her friend and sniffled. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep hurting him. I keep getting so angry at him.”

“Has O’Neill done something to harm you?”

Sam shook her head “No.” She closed her eyes and more tears fell. “He hasn’t done anything. He’s been nothing but kind.”

“Then for what reason are you so angry with him?”

“I don’t know. She looked at Teal’c and considered her words. “I didn’t tell anyone the entire story of what I remembered, Teal’c. In that place...” She didn’t know what else to call it. “Jack and I, we uh, we...”

“I understand, Major Carter.”

Sam look at him gratefully. “I was pregnant, Teal’c. When Jack died. I... I lost the baby. It wasn’t even two weeks later.” She closed her eyes and breathed through the painful memories. “It was a terrible time. For all of us.” She reached out and grasped Teal’c’s hand. “I barely moved from my bed for weeks.”

“I am sorry, Major Carter.“

Sam nodded and smiled. “I can’t stop thinking about it. It felt so real. I think maybe that’s why I’m angry.”

“I do not understand.”

Sam let out a small guffaw. “That’s just it Teal’c, neither do I. It’s not even just the anger. It’s as if I can’t stop cycling from one strong emotion to the next. Happy, sad, scared, angry. It’s just not normal for me to feel things this strongly. Or at least not normal for me react to them so strongly. It’s like I can’t tolerate any kind of emotional distress anymore. But when I’m happy...” Sam unconsciously ran her fingers back and forth over her lips as she recounted the more pleasurable moments she’d shared with Jack earlier. “I’m extremely happy. But then I’m suddenly feeling something else and that’s all I can feel. It’s exhausting.”

“That does sound as if it would be very tiring.”

“What do I do, Teal’c”

“Are you not supposed to be speaking to a professional about exactly this?”

Sam couldn’t help but give a short laugh. “You know that’s pretty much exactly what Jack said before I got angry with him.”

“Are you angry with me then, Major Carter?”

“Actually, not at all, Teal’c.” Sam wrinkled her brow in thought. “It annoys me a little because I’d rather not have to go but I think your suggestion is practical and probably correct.”

Teal’c turned to her. “Major Carter. Perhaps it is the strength of your affection for O’Neill that has caused the strength of your emotional response.”

Sam’s cheeks turned pink. “It was never like this before.”

Teal’c squeezed her hand. “Major Carter. Your relationship with O’Neill was never like this before.” Suddenly raising an eyebrow, he continued. “At least, not as far I am aware.”

Sam blushed more deeply. “No Teal’c. It wasn’t,” she said smiling at him. “While that makes sense to some degree, I don’t think it fully explains what’s happening. I know myself, Teal’c. This isn’t normal.”

“Indeed.”

“I honestly can’t even explain why I reacted like I did before. I feel so much calmer now.”

“I am aware that O’Neill cares for you very deeply. And I believe he is currently very concerned for your well being. Perhaps I might call him to let him know that you are doing well until you are ready to see him.”

“Thanks Teal’c. But, oddly enough, I’m ok now. I’m ready. I’ll call him.”

Teal’c nodded his head. “Very well, Major Carter.”

“Thank you, Teal’c.” She hugged him then reached for her phone.

Jack grabbed his phone the moment he heard it ring and saw the caller ID. “Sam?”

“Hi.”

“Are you ok?”

“I’m... coping. I’m also sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.”

“Yes, Jack. I do. What I said was out of line. And I’m going to make an appointment with MacKenzie in the morning. You were right.”

“That’s good. I’m still sorry I upset you so much when I suggested it.”

“Jack. Please stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything. I’m just... I’m not alright and I realize that now.”

“OK.” Jack was afraid to say much of anything.

“If you’re not too frightened of me at this point, Jack. I’d like to see you so we can try and discuss this like adults.”

“When do you want me there?”

“You can come by whenever you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, why?”

“Because I never left. I’ve been sitting outside in my truck this entire time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started sobbing at one point while writing this chapter and had to take a break because I was so heartbroken for them. Could also be because I’d just finished writing the last chapter. I have no idea if the intensity of what I was seeing and feeling in my head carried over onto the page. If it didn’t, I hope with more experience I’ll learn how to better express myself through my writing. 
> 
> And thanks for the comments, folks. They mean so much to me. Hugs.


	9. Chapter 9

“I’ll see you soon then, Jack.”

Jack jumped as Teal’c pounded on the passenger side of his truck just as Sam disconnected the call.

“Hiya Teal’c,” Jack said, through the open window.

Teal’c opened the door and joined Jack in the truck. “Hello O’Neill.”

“How is she?”

“Major Carter’s emotional state has improved.”

“Oh yeah?”

“She has consented to your re-entry to her home. I believe it would be appropriate for me to leave now.”

“Are you going to help me out at all here? Give me any hints as to what she said?”

“I am not.”

“Right. Thanks.”

“I believe she requires medical intervention. We must see that she gets it.”

“She said she’d call MacKenzie.”

“She did.”

“Good.” Jack opened the door to exit his truck. “Thanks again, Teal’c.” He watched Teal’c walk toward the base car he’d used to get there, took a moment to brace himself, and walked back toward the house.

He found Sam in the kitchen preparing what looked like some fruit and yogurt. Eating was always a good sign with her and he was happy to see it. “Hi,” he said tentatively. 

Sam smiled at him. “Hi. I made some coffee. Do you want something to eat too?”

“I’m fine,” he said standing cautiously at the edge of where her foyer met the kitchen.

“You can come in, Jack. I won’t bite.”

“You sure?” Jack responded, immediately regretting his penchant for jokes when nervous.

He watched her tense slightly for a moment as she prepared another cup of coffee for him. “It’s fine, Jack. Let’s go sit down.” She pointed to her couch. He met her half way and went to take one of the two cups of coffee she had balanced precariously in one hand. She jumped as his skin brushed hers and hot coffee sloshed over both their hands. “Dammit!” Sam exclaimed as Jack took both coffees from her hand, placing them on the coffee table allowing her to do the same with the bowl.

“Hey. Just a little spill.” Jack led her to the kitchen so they could rinse their hands and he could get some paper towels to clean the floor. He’d left her by the sink and when he returned he found her clenching the edge of the counter and fighting tears. “Sam?” He watched her as she closed her eyes and tensed even further seemingly fighting some internal battle.

“It’s you, Jack.”

Jack stood a few feet away from her.“What?”

Sam let out a big loud shaky breath. “I was explaining to Teal’c that I feel like I’ve lost control of my emotions. But I was fine when he was here. I’d calmed almost completely.” Sam removed one trembling hand from the counter and brought it up to her forehead. “One little spill. One little upset and I feel like I’m about to explode.”

“I don’t know what to do. Should I go? I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Needing to find release from the emotional tempest growing inside her, Sam’s face scrunched up and the tears streamed forth. She looked at him. “I don’t know. It’s too much. Everything is too much. I can’t do this. I think it’s getting worse too.”

Jack started to move towards her when she held up a hand and shook her head. “Don’t. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

They stood there staring at each other when Jack’s phone broke the silence. “O’Neill.”

“Colonel.”

“General.” Jack looked over at Sam to be sure she was aware.

“Colonel. We heard from the Tok’ra. They have some information they think might be helpful. Major Carter’s father should be here within the hour. I’d like you to come in. I’m going to contact her now.”

“No need sir. I’m with her.”

“I see. Is Doctor Jackson there as well or do I need to contact him?”

“No. He’s not here. I was just checking on her.” Jack shot an anxious look Sam’s way. “I’ll get in touch with Daniel and we’ll be there shortly.”

“Very well, Colonel. We’ll see you soon.”

Jack ended the call. “It’s your dad. He’s coming in. The Tok’ra have some information. I’ll drive us. I don’t think you should drive right now.”

Sam again had to breathe through her irritation until she could respond. “Maybe Daniel could pick me up instead.” Jack frowned and Sam gave him an apologetic look.

Jack realized it was probably for the best. “I’ll call him to come get you and run home so I can quickly shower and change. I’ll see you there.”

“Thank you, Jack.”

Jack nodded, turned to leave, then stopped abruptly. “Sam. About what happened. Are you going to tell them we...”

“I’m not a fool, Jack!” She yelled. Jack grit his teeth to keep from reacting. Sam glared at him as her facial muscles started to relax. “I’m sorry. You should go.”

Jack nodded and left. As he picked up the phone to call Daniel, he wondered why the universe insisted on driving a wedge between them. He wondered if there was any universe out there where they were allowed a happy ending. He wondered why they mattered in the scheme of things. He wondered why he thought about these things when it made his head hurt. He dialed Daniel’s number.

======

Jacob stepped through the gate and immediately went to his daughter. “How ya doin’, kiddo?” He asked as he hugged her.

Sam tilted her head and shrugged. “I’ve been better.”

Jacob nodded and greeted everyone else before they made there way up to the briefing room.

Jacob started in quickly. “The planet you’ve named P4X-262 is called Dartona. The Dartonans are a highly technologically and scientifically advanced race but also highly xenophobic. They’ve never bothered anyone and they’re advanced enough in defense tech that the Goa’uld haven’t bothered them. Selmak says they’re such an insular society that for hundreds of years now they’d almost forgotten about their existence. They’re also apparently an extremely, for lack of a better word, boring people seemingly devoid of emotion and completely disinterested in forging any type of friendships or allegiances. Selmak and the rest of the Tok’ra were shocked to hear that they’d have done anything at all to you other than ask you to leave.”

Sam looked over at her father. “And this is helpful exactly how, dad? It doesn’t give us any answers.” 

Jacob squinted and assessed his daughter, wondering if he’d been fully apprised of her condition. “Well, if you’d let me finish, Sam, there’s more.” Sam dropped her eyes and, a little embarrassed about her outburst, slid down further into her chair. “You’re not the only person this has happened to.” Sam straightened back up.

“It seems the Dartonans are conducting some sort of experiments with... emotion. The other reports are much the same as yours. Capture, confusion about time, and seemingly false narratives of experiences that don’t exist. Unfortunately we don’t have much more intel beyond that yet except...” He looked directly into his daughter’s eyes. “The one difference is that all the people who experienced this had extreme difficulty readapting into their prior lives. They experienced extreme emotional distress particularly around those closest to them. Often one person in particular who they were especially close to. Some needed to adjust their lives completely to avoid their emotional catalysts.”

Sam’s eyes went wide while Jack’s right eye started twitching as he tried to stay calm. Like hell he was letting Sam adjust out of his life.

“Why would they be conducting test like that?” Hammond asked.

“Don’t you see,” Daniel started. “Jacob said these people are practically devoid of emotion. They could be conducting these tests to better understand emotion or even for entertainment purposes.Look, we know the Goa’uld memory devices can literally project a person’s memories onto a screen. They could have similar technology. Think about it. They had Sam lost on an unfamiliar planet, facing the death of someone close to her. Things that cause serious emotions in people.”

Jack raised an eyebrow. “So you’re suggesting the Dartnins, or whatever their name is, are basically... emotion voyeurs?”

“Well, it fits, doesn’t it?” Daniel regarded Jack thoughtfully. “And actually, Jack, that’s a pretty good way of putting it. Only you’d think they’d come up with some ideas more emotionally engaging to watch than just how Sam responds to a single death.” Sam held her breath as her entire body tensed in reaction. Keeping her eyes glued to the table, she willed herself not to blush while Jack’s right eye started twitching again. Daniel’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, uh...”

Hammond, seeing all of this and deciding he’d rather not know, instead asked, “Major. Have you been experiencing anything like what Jacob described?”

Sam forced herself to stay calm. “Yes, sir. Since leaving base, I’ve spent most of my time at home alone so I didn’t realize the extent of what was going on until earlier today.”

Hammond looked concerned. “What happened earlier today?”

Sam swallowed. “The colonel came over.”

Hammond tensed and leaned forward in his chair. “Please continue Major. The colonel came over, and?”

“I found myself overreacting to almost everything he did.”

Jacob spoke before Hammond had a chance to respond. “What exactly did he do, Sam?”

Sam scowled at her father. “He didn’t do anything, dad. That’s the point. He spilled some coffee and I reacted like he’d killed my first born!” Sam startled at the words she’d unconsciously chosen. Her child. Their child. Not real. She closed her eyes and reminded herself to breathe.

Daniel jumped out of his chair. “You see. Look at Sam. It’s like she’s been programmed. Like someone somehow intentionally directed her to overreact to stimuli.”

“Sir, if I may.” Everyone turned to look at Janet. “What Daniel is suggesting makes sense and what Major Carter has described does seem similar to the other accounts.” She turned her attention to Jacob. “You said ‘some’ people had to adjust away from their emotional catalysts. What happened to those who didn’t?”

“They were able to readjust.”

“How?” Sam asked.

Jacob screwed up his lips. “Basically by what we’d refer to as... exposure therapy.” He didn’t miss the nervous glance Sam and Jack shared at that moment.

Daniel smirked. “So you’re basically suggesting we stick Sam in a room with Jack and lock the door until she gets her emotions in check?”

Jacob inhaled deeply. “I can assure you that I’m most certainly not suggesting my daughter be locked in a room with anyone, let alone Jack.”

“I always thought you thought a bit more highly of me than that, dad.” Jack quipped.

Jacob stiffened. “Well I’d like to know why she’s only having this problem with...”

“I’m right here!” Sam exclaimed.

“That’s enough.” Hammond look at Sam. “Major, is the colonel the only person you’ve had any significant contact with since your return?”

Sam took a deep breath. “No, sir.”

“Who else?”

“I spent some time with Teal’c today also.”

“And?”

She picked at something on the edge of the table. “I was fine.”

“I see.” Hammond considered his options. He couldn’t have two of his best officers unable to work together and he could see how much Sam was struggling. “Jacob, understanding that I’m not in the habit of locking my officers in rooms together,” he paused to shake his head at Daniel, “based on what you now know, do you believe Major Carter might be able to overcome her heightened emotional responses by intentionally spending time with the colonel?”

Jacob paused, frowning. “I do.”

“And Doctor? Do you have an opinion?”

“It’s a bit of an unusual request, sir, but it seems like a logical course of action assuming of course, both Major Carter and Colonel O’Neil are amenable. I’d also insist that Major Carter see Doctor MacKenzie like she’s supposed to.”

Hammond waited for his officers to speak.

“I’m in as long as it’s what Carter wants.”

Sam raised her head to look at him then turned away and looked back down at the table. She was simply confused. She loved him. She wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms and surround herself with Jack O’Neill. But how would she act once she did? Hurt him more? Embarrass herself with constant unavoidable tears? That’s the last thing she wanted. She looked up again and stared into Jack’s hopeful eyes and realized she had no choice. Her job, her life, and her heart all depended on making this work. This had to work. “Yes, sir. It’s fine.”

“I have one more question.” Daniel pushed his slipping glasses back up his nose. “Why just Sam? We were all there. ”

Jacob shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s the only female we’ve found who’s been subject to this. Perhaps that’s it. Maybe they focus on only one member of a group? Hell, maybe they only have the capacity to handle one at a time. We don’t know.”

Daniel wrinkled his nose, unsatisfied with the answer.

“Well SG-1, you still have close to a week and a half of downtime left. Colonel, Major, I suggest you spend as much time together as possible. Dismissed.”

Jacob stayed behind as everyone else left.

“Well that’s an order I never thought I’d give.” Hammond said, looking over at Jacob.

Jacob, eyes squinting and head cocked, gave Hammond a tight grin. “George. You haven’t forgotten that’s my daughter, have you?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we already know Sam is suffering. Be forewarned. I don’t think it’s too bad but she has a tough time here. Note that I am not remotely a mental health expert and, well, neither is Jack. But they’re out there and helpful if you need them. :)

Jack pulled up to Sam’s place around seven thirty. He’d packed a bag just in case but decided to leave it in the car for fear of being presumptuous. He sat there for a moment contemplating the events of the last twenty four hours. Her confusing behavior, his elation when they’d made love, his fear of her resulting distress, and his dejection after being told he was the cause of her pain. He loved her so much. He wanted to help her through this. Needed to help her through this. He steeled himself to head inside. 

Sam had rushed home and done everything she could think of to prepare herself for what she assumed would be an onslaught of wild emotions. Her last activitywas a long relaxing bath. As the doorbell rang, she was just realizing she’d been so distraught she hadn’t even said goodbye to her father earlier.

She opened the door to find Jack holding a bag up in front of his face. “Thai, just as you requested.”

“Great. Come in. I’m starving.” She moved to let him pass and shut the door. “Let’s just eat on the couch ok? We can watch a movie or something.”

“Fine with me.” Jack said.

They sat down together to eat and Sam started flipping through the channels. She stopped on _Meet Me in St. Louis_ and looked over at Jack hopefully. “Sure,” he said, smiling. If she was happy, he was happy. “I’ve always wondered why you like these movies so much.”

“Oh.” She looked up from her food with a wistful look in her eye. “I used to watch them with my mom. She loved them.”

He watched her face drop a bit. Foot straight in the mouth, he thought. I am an idiot. “You want another Diet Coke?” he asked, hoping to distract her. 

“Sure. Thanks.”

She seemed fine when he returned. So far, so good, he thought.

“My mother loved Judy Garland. She was also a singer. Not like Judy of course but she had a really nice voice. She’d sing along with all the songs. I loved listening to her. My brother and I would dance together while she sang when we were really little.” Sam blushed then, wondering what had prompted her to share such intimate childhood memories with him. It wasn’t like her. 

“That’s really cute, Carter,” he said as he watched her fight back tears. She didn’t speak of her mother often. 

“I still miss her.” 

“Of course you do. She sounds like she was a great mom.” Jack looked at Sam way over on the other side of the couch. “This is one of those times when I’d normally say c’mere but I’m not really sure if that’s ok right now.”

Sam wanted so badly to be in his arms but she was almost afraid to touch him. Her heart won the war. “I’d be ok with trying.”

“C’mere.”

Sam put her nearly finished food down and scooted into his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder and shed some quiet tears. They peacefully watched the rest of the movie together. It was close to ten o’clock when the movie ended. Sam looked up at Jack. “Ice cream.” 

“Sounds good to me.”

Jack cleaned up and put the leftover food away while she prepared the ice cream and brought the two bowls back to the couch. Jack thought watching Sam eat ice cream was a bigger treat than the ice cream itself. She never just put the spoon in her mouth. She’d somehow manage to turn the ice cream filled spoon upside down then lick and suck at each spoonful like it was her last. “Yum,” she pronounced as she finished and licked her lips. Jack grinned. This was going much too well, he thought. He’d been here close to three hours now and she’d been fine other than a few tears while reminiscing about her mother.

Sam stretched. “It’s been a long day. I’m ready for bed.” She stared at Jack expectantly.

“Am I staying?”

Sam flinched slightly. “Do you not want to?”

“I’m happy to.”

“I don't want you to stay because you feel obligated.”

“No. No. I want to.”

“You didn’t seem so sure you wanted to a minute ago. I don’t want you in my bed wishing you were somewhere else, Jack!”

“Sam. I want to stay. I’m just letting you lead.”

Sam looked like she was about to rail when she suddenly closed her mouth, walked away from Jack and straight out onto her back patio. She’d walked out in nothing but a tee shirt and thin cotton pants. It was already a particularly cold November evening when Jack arrived and he figured it had to be close to freezing out there now.Grabbing the throw from her couch he went after her.

He found her outside sitting on her top step and shivering. “Sam?”

“I need a minute.”

“Ok. But it’s cold. I brought you a blanket.”

“I don’t want it.”

Figuring she wouldn’t freeze to death right away and unsure what to do he went back inside to wait. To his relief, he heard the back door open a few minutes later. She walked past him quickly and said “I’m going to take a shower. You should stay if you want.”

Jack was confused but happy she wasn’t yelling. He went out to his truck to grab his bag and put it in her room. Plucking out his toothbrush, he went to go use her guest bathroom while she showered. He changed into track shorts and an old tee and hopped onto the bed. When she walked out of the bathroom in a tank top and shorts he thought she looked like she’d been crying but he wasn’t sure if it was just the hot water.

She turned to him. “I’m going to get a glass of water. Do you want something?”

“Sure. Water’s great.”

She returned with the waters, handed one to Jack, and slipped into bed beside him. They both lay there, covers pulled up high, staring at the ceiling. “I read that a rapid change in body temperature helps dampen emotional intensity. It activates your parasympathetic nervous system which down-regulates your fight or flight response. That relaxes you.”

She’d done research, he thought. Of course she’d done research. She’d had some time to think about what was happening with her so she’d studied the problem and possible solutions. She was definitely still his Carter under all that bubbling emotion. “So it helped?”

“I didn’t bite your head off did, I?”

“Nope.”

“Jack?”

“Yes.”

“Could you hold me?”

“Always.”

They cuddled up together and slept.

======

Sam woke up all warm and cozy snuggled in Jack’s arms. She snuggled further back against him but felt him back away. Anger and annoyance flashed through her. She snapped her head to look at him. “What? You don’t want me too close to you?”

“No. Of course not. It’s just...” She was looking at him angrily so he pushed up against her like she wanted so she’d understand his issue.

She let out a little gasp. “Oh.” She didn’t mind it. She liked it. The anger subsided and something else built up inside her. She wondered briefly if sexual desire was considered an emotion because she was pretty sure what she was feeling right now was at a level that could not be considered normal. She flipped around and kissed him.

Jack kissed her back. “Good morning.”

She grabbed at him. “I want you.”

“Yeah?”

She threw her leg over his side and pulled herself up on top of him. “Yeah.” She thrusthard against him.

Jack’s mind was racing. He wanted her but couldn’t stop thinking about how just yesterday- had it really only been yesterday- this hadn’t ended well at all. He didn’t want to relive that. “Um, Carter. Can we slow down here?”

“No.”

“Sam. Sam look at me.”

“I want you.”

“I know. Just please. Hang on a minute.”

“No.” She lifted herself up off of him to try and remove his shorts and he used that moment to throw her off balance and ease her down onto the bed next to him. The almost frantic look on her face and the way she writhed in his hands convinced him something was off. “Sam. We can’t do this right now.” Her jaw clenched and her eyes glazed over. “Sam. We were off to a good start. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. This didn’t end well last time.” Oh no. Nostrils flaring. He was in trouble again. “Don’t be mad. I... I want to.It’s just, maybe we shouldn’t do anything that’s going to make us too emotional.”

Pulling herself away, Sam sat up and practically vaulted off the bed. Grabbing her pillow, she threw it at him. “Well, too late!” She walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. He heard the click of the lock. That went well, he thought, holding his head in his hands. He didn’t know what to do so he just went near the bathroom door, knocked, and said “I’m going to go make coffee.” He had a feeling she needed to work this one out herself. She’d managed well last night, after all.

Sam sat on the edge of her tub crying. She completely understood what he’d said and knew logically that he was probably right but she still felt like he’d rejected her. Like it was personal. She was boiling over with rage and sadness like she seemed to be all the time lately but now she was also uncomfortably turned on. She squeezed her legs together in an attempt to relieveher discomfort.

She knew she needed to calm down but couldn’t. Standing up, she turned around, grabbed her shampoo, and threw it hard against the wall of her shower. It felt good. She grabbed her conditioner and did the same. Her bath gel was next. It wasn’t enough. Turning toward her vanity, she leaned forward and used her arm to swipe everything off and onto the floor. She looked up and caught sight of herself red faced and sobbing in the mirrored doors of her medicine cabinet. Hating what she saw, she lifted a hand and smacked angrily at her reflection in the glass, startling when the mirror shattered in front of her. She stood there a moment wondering about the red tint in the cracks before realizing it was blood from her own hand. 

“Sam! Open the door!” Jack had heard the sound and rushed back into the bedroom. “Sam. I will break this door down if you don’t open it!” He was about to do as much when the door opened. Sam stood there looking contrite, holding her hand up in front of her. “I didn’t mean to, Jack. I swear I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s ok.Let me see.” He sat her on her bed and looked at her hand and arm. It didn’t look too bad. He walked into the bathroom and inspected the mirror. It really wasn’t as bad as he’d feared. Walking her into the kitchen he placed her hand under the cool water and debated calling Janet.But as the blood cleared he could tell that there wasn’t any glass in the cuts and she hadn’t done any real damage. He put some antibiotic ointment on, bandaged her up, walked her over to the couch, and sat down next to her.

Sam looked over at him then down at her hand and back at him. “I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t mean to. I was just so angry.”

“I know. It’s ok. No real damage done. C’mere,” he said out of habit as her face crumpled and the tears started to fall.

“I hate this. I can’t help it. I’m sorry,” she cried, sobbing into his shoulder as he held her. “I can’t live like this, Jack. It’s too much.” 

“Hey.” He brought a hand up to massage her head the way he’d found she liked. “We knew this was going to be difficult. But it’ll pass. Your dad said this would help.”

“It has to do more than help, Jack. My entire life depends on my regaining control.”

“I know. And you will.” He moved her so he could look in her eyes. “I’ve watched you do the impossible, Carter. And I’ll be right here with you as you do this.”

She held his gaze. He was reminding her who she was. Soldier and scientist. Major Doctor Samantha Carter. She took some deep breaths and nodded her head.

He pulled her back against him. He was still trying to calm himself along with her when he realized her breathing had changed andlooked down at her curiously.

“Why do you smell so good?” She was inhaling his armpit. He shrugged. She sniffed again, turned her body and lifted her head up to lean into his neck. “You do. You smell so good.” She looked longingly at his lips. “Let me kiss you, Jack.”

Jack was lost as to how to handle this. He didn’t know what was right anymore. He let her kiss him figuring he’d stop things if they got too out of hand. She moved to straddle one of his thighs as they kissed. He’d just started letting himself relax into it when she suddenly gasped and pulled her face away from his. Puzzled, he realized she’d been and was still grinding herself on his thigh. She started panting and he watched wide eyed as her eyes closed, her mouth opened, and she shuddered atop him letting out a soft cry.

He silently thanked whoever had blessed him with the willpower of a god when he didn’t immediately throw her down on the couch to have his way with her. As she came back to herself, the tears started falling again. Jack was at a loss and just hugged her to him rubbing her back as she cried. “I’m sorry,” she whispered through her tears. 

“No need.”

“I just... I’m so...”

“It’s ok. I know. It’s fine. You’re fine.” He held her.

When she eventually stopped crying, she craned her head toward the kitchen and asked, “Did you say you made coffee?”

Jack felt like a ping pong ball, not knowing where she was going to send him from one moment to the next. He watched her walk off toward the kitchen. They’d barely been awake an hour and he was exhausted. “Do you mind if I go take a shower?” he called over to her. She shook her head, now fullyengaged in her coffee. Jack walked into the bedroom, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair.He felt a bit guilty going behind her back but he was worried and wanted to sneak in a call to Janet.


	11. Chapter 11

“How was your shower?”

Jack finished pulling down his sweater as he walked back out into the living room “Fine. Warm. I took care of the broken mirror. We can go pick up a replacement if you want.”

“Sure. I made an appointment with MacKenzie for this afternoon. Fifteen hundred hours.”

Oh thank goodness, he thought. He’d told Janet about what had happened in the bathroom and she’d told him getting her to therapy was a priority. “Do you want me to come?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Whatever you decide.”

“OK.”Sam ran her finger around the edge of her coffee mug.

Jack joined her at the table. “Are you nervous?”

“No”

“You seem pensive.”

“I know how difficult all this must be for you.” Sam took another sip of her coffee.

Jack smiled. “I don’t mind. You’re worth it.”

Sam sighed. “You don’t deserve this. I wish... this isn’t how I wanted it to be.” Jack looked confused so she explained. “Us. Happening.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“This should have been a choice we both made together.”

“Didn’t we?”

“Did we?”

“I did. I chose this.”

“You didn’t choose this.” Frustrated, Sam waved her hands up and down in front of herself. “No one would choose this!”

“I did.”

“No. You didn’t. You accepted this.”

Jack walked over to Sam, put a finger under her chin and tilted her face up to meet his. “I chose you. I choose you. All of you.”

Sam pulled her face away from his hand. “But this isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. Samantha Carter doesn’t yell at people in briefings. Samantha Carter doesn’t trash her bathroom in anger. Samantha Carter doesn’t say awful hurtful things to you.”

Jack shrugged. “She does now.” Sam looked at him like he’d slapped her. “Sam, something happened to you that was completely outside of your control. It affected you and you’re still dealing with it. But you’ll recover. And maybe it’ll change you a little bit. Jolinar changed you. You survived that.

“But I couldn’t control Jolinar. I should be able to control this!” Sam slammed her hand down on the table. “Ouch! Dammit!” She fisted her hand and brought it in to her chest. 

“Lemme see.”

“It’s fine.”

Jack reached out for her hand. “Sam.”

“Arghhhhhhhhh!” Sam yelled, standing up to walk away.

Jack stood up quickly and blocked her exit. “Don’t run away.”

“I’m not running away! I just don’t want to hurt you again!”

“I don’t care if you hurt me. That’s the whole point!”

“That I hurt you!” She shifted trying to move around him again. 

Jack put his arms up and moved in front of her. “No. That you experience it. Experience whatever you’re feeling and don’t run away from it. Then you know you can get through it!

“What the hell do you know about it?” she asked, again trying to slip away.

“You’re not the only one who can do research.”

She stopped and looked at him. “You did research?”

“I did.”

She wrinkled her brow. “How can I think that’s sosweet when I’m this angry?” But she didn’t seem quite as angry anymore.She tried to fake left and go right but Jack wasn’t having it.

“There’s no way you’ve played as much basketball as I have, Carter. You won’t win.”

“You think when you’re this tall at 15, they let you sit in the bleachers?” She tried to slip past again but failed.

“Really? Nerd and basketball star?”

She grinned widely at him. “And a cheerleader on the off season.” Jack froze trying to picture it. Carter. A cheerleader?

Sam smirked and slid right past a stunned Jack but he lunged and caught her again.

“Nooooo!” she called out, only feigning anger at this point.

Jack shook his head. “You weren’t a cheerleader.” Then, raising an eyebrow, he continued, “Were you?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Sam smiled knowingly and walked into his arms, voluntarily this time. She let out a deep sigh. “I should go get dressed.”

“Your hand’s ok?”

She held it out to him for inspection and he lifted it to his mouth planting a kiss on her palm. “I think you’ll live. Go shower.”

======

They managed to spend the rest of the morning and early afternoon in relative peace. In the end she’d asked him to accompany her to the appointment and he’d occupied himself during the wait with coffee and pie at a little cafe he’d spotted around the corner.

She looked a little weepy as she approached the car at the end of the hour but she looked like that so often lately he wasn’t sure it meant anything. After she was in and buckled up, he handed her a small white bag from the bakery.

“What’s this?” she said peeking inside.

“Just a muffin.”

“Banana nut! My favorite.”

“No kidding. I took a wild guess”

“No, you didn’t. Thank you.”

“Ya sure you betcha.”

They drove for a bit when Jack casually asked, “soooooo how’d it go?”

Sam had just stuffed some muffin in her mouth. “Mmm good.” 

“The muffin or the therapy?”

“Both,” she replied. “It’s was actually pretty helpful. He said to keep doing what we’re doing.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I told him about earlier and he said pretty much the same thing you did. That avoidance won’t work. He, uh, he told me to say out loud exactly what I’m thinking and feeling. Like ‘I’m angry’ or ‘I’m hurt’ or...”

“I’m horny?”

“Jack!”

“Sorry.” He laughed. “So are you go gonna do that?”

“I don’t like the idea.” Jack glanced over at her quickly as he drove. “It’s just... he obviously doesn’t understand the extent of what we’re dealing with here. What we’ve spent so many years holding back. Avoiding. Burying. But now I’m just supposed to tell you everything I’m thinking and feeling? It’s uncomfortable. And obviously I’m already uncomfortable with how little control I have lately. Also, if I’m being completely honest, I’m worried that this was all a mistake anyway.”

Jack was glad she’d waited until he’d parked before she said that. A mistake. She’d just said that so casually. How could she think this was a mistake? He gripped the steering wheel hard. “You don’t want this, Carter?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You said it was a mistake.”

“I said I’m worried that it was.”

“And that’s different how?”

“Jack. Would we be here right now if I wasn’t an emotional wreck for lack of a better way of putting it? However unwitting it might have been, I practically forced you into this.” He didn’t answer. “We wouldn’t be here. You know that. Everything would still be locked in that room.”

Jack pulled a hand from the steering wheel,rubbed his forehead, and raked his hand through his hair. “I don’t feel forced. And why does it have to matter how we got here, Carter? We’re here.” Jack shoved the truck door open, slammed it behind him and walked toward her front door.

Sam slipped out of the passenger side and met him there. “How come you get to run away!”

“I’m not running away. I just don’t want to do this in public.”

Once inside, Jack followed Sam back to her living room, turned to her and repeated his question. “What does it matter how we got here?”

“It just does!”

“Why?”

Sam blinked back tears.

“Why?” he said, voice even sterner than before. 

“Stop yelling at me,” Sam whispered through her tears.

“I’m not... I’m just...” he thought back to the car ride. “I feel hurt.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and that’s not a mistake!”

“Jack. Come on.” Sam practically rolled her eyes.

“Sam. Do you not take me seriously? Because I’m very serious. This...” he waved his hand back and forth between them, “is very serious to me.”

“Jack. I’m sorry,” Sam said through her tears. “Ididn’t mean...”

“No. It’s your turn. What are you feeling?”

Sam ran her hand across her nose. “I need a tissue.”

“Sam. I don’t care about your runny nose. What are you feeling?”

“Scared.”

“Why?”

“Because I am.”

“Sam.”

“Fine. I’m scared you’re going to leave me!”

“Why?”

Sam sniffled and swallowed. “Jack, I can’t breathe!” She walked into the bathroom, blew her nose, returned with the entire box of tissues, and sat down on the couch.

Jack followed and took her hand. “Why do you think I’m going to leave, Sam?”

“I don’t think you will. I’m just worried you will.”

“Just like how you don’t think this was a mistake, you’re just worried it was?” She looked at him wearily. “Sam. I’m glad this happened. You’re right. If this hadn’t happened who knows how long we would have kept it in that room. It might have been years. Eventually you’d have gotten fed up and would’ve finally given in to one of the many men you don’t even notice falling at your feet.” Sam shook her head. “Well, you might have. And I’d be miserable because I’d have lost you. This was a good thing, Sam. This is a good thing. At least for me. Tell me it isn’t just me.”

Sam wiped at her eyes. “It’s not just you. It’s just... I already know what it feels like to lose you and I can’t go through that again.”

Jack understood her now. “Sam. I can’t promise someone or something won’t take me from you.But I can promise that I will never leave you voluntarily. I’m that sure.”

“And you really don’t feel like you were forced into this?”

Jack reached for her hand. “Sam, have I said or done anything over the last few days to make you believe that?”

“No.”

“Then trust me when I tell you I’m thrilled to be in this.”

Sam’s eyes dropped to the floor. “But you don’t...” her voice trailed off.

“What?”

Sam looked directly at him. “You don’t want to be with me anymore.”

Jack was puzzled. “I just told you I... oh, you mean...”

Sam blushed. “Yeah.”

“Sam,” Jack said, pulling her close to him.“Sam, I want to be with you. I want you. When you, ya know earlier on my leg...” Sam put her hands over her face but Jack removed them. “No. Don’t be embarrassed. It was beautiful. You were beautiful. I wanted to have my way with you right then and there it’s just... Sam, what you said yesterday after we, god I can’t believe that was only yesterday, it scared me.”

Sam hung her head. “I didn’t mean it. I know you’d never do something like that. I just lashed out because I was so angry. It’s this thing. It overtakes me. I’m sorry.” 

“Ya know. You’ve been much calmer today.” Jack kissed her forehead.

“Jack. I broke a mirror with my hand this morning.”

“Was that today? Feels like ages ago.”

She lifted her hand. “Today.”

Jack took her hand and lifted it to his mouth kissing one finger then the next until he sucked her index finger into his mouth. “Mmmm. Banana nut.”

Sam giggled. “Jack stop.”

“Why?” He licked her wrist and up her forearm.

“Because this is really making me want do that thing you don’t want to do.”

Jack kissed the inside of her elbow. “Maybe I’m starting to change my mind.”

Sam’s tongue poked out of her mouth and she licked her lips.

Jack’s mouth reached sam’s shoulder. “You want more?”

“Yes.”

He started kissing up her neck until he found his way back behind her ear. Sam sighed as Jack sucked her earlobe into his mouth. “Jack. Kiss me.” Jack smiled at her and captured her mouth with his. Sam pulled away. “God Jack. I’m so turned on. It’s insane. I don’t know if it’s you or this thing.”

Jack stopped, looked at her, and raised an eyebrow. “Throw a man a bone, would ya, Carter? Let’s assume it’s me.”

“Right. It’s you. It’s definitely you.”

“Tell me what you want.”

“Touch me.”

“I am touching you.”

“Jack!” she whined, frustrated until she felt his hand unbuttoning her jeans. He pulled the zipper down and slipped his hands under her panties. “Yes. There, Jack. Touch me there.” Sam moaned as his hand found her clit. Jack dipped his hand down further.

“Jeez, Sam. Are you always this wet?”

“I am for you apparently,” she shrugged. She’s gonna kill me, he thought as he willed himself to stay on task. She panted as he touched her right where she wanted. “Oh my god, Jack. Don’t stop.” Fascinated, he watched her face contort as she tried and failed to keep her eyes open and focused on him until she let out a sound somewhere between a squeak and a moan as she came. When she opened her eyes she smiled up at him.

Jack smiled back down at her. “You’re so beautiful when you come, you know that.”

“I want to watch you come, Jack.” She looked at him pleadingly.

Jack nodded slowly. She stood up and grabbed his hand to pull him up but he stopped her. “No. Here. I want you to come on me like you did earlier. Only I want to be inside you this time.”

Sam smiled and let her jeans drop to the floor, peeling her wet underwear down as well. “Your turn,” she said as she freed her legs and pulled her sweater off too. Jack lifted himself so he could pull his jeans and boxers down. His eyes went wide as Sam dropped to her knees in front of him... “Let me.” She pulled his shoes off and removed his pants the rest of the way.

Next thing Jack knew her mouth was on him and he hissed from the contact. “Shit, Sam.” She tongued him from base to tip and and Jack grabbed her under her armpits and lifted her just as her mouth surrounded him completely. “Sam. I won’t last.” Sam smiled seductively and moved to position him at her entrance. Jack’s eyes practically rolled back in his head as she sunk down and took all of him inside her. She rested her hands on his shoulders and ground herself against him. Jack reached around and unhooked her bra allowing him access to her breasts as she rode him. “I wanted you in that prison cell. When you rode me like this. I wanted it to be real. Like this. I imagined it after. Does that bother you?” Jack wondered why the hell he’d said that out loud.

Sam grinned. “No. I like it.” She grabbed her bottom lip in her teeth as she moved, thinking. “So then are Daniel and Teal’c there when we’re doing it?”

Jack gulped, surprised by her question. “Yeah, I guess.”

Sam’s grin turned slightly evil. “Are they watching?”

Jack was gone. He grit his teeth and grabbed her ass. “Tell me your close.”

“Touch me and I’ll come for you.” He did and she did and he watched in awe until he couldn’t hold back anymore and came inside her. Sam dropped against his chest and rested her head on his shoulder. In that moment Jack’s bliss was only marred slightly by the fear that he shouldn’t have given in to his urges and that she’d be upset again. She wasn’t. “I’m hungry” she said into his neck.

“I could eat.”

“I don’t want to move.”

“Then don’t.”

They stayed like that, enjoying the simple feelingof being surrounded by each other, for a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize it’s a little late to ask but should I be upping the rating on this? 🤔 I never thought I’d write this stuff but apparently my mind just goes places...


	12. Chapter 12

“Oh. I’m so sorry. I just keep forgetting how much extra space I take up these days.”

“No problem.” Jack said, moving himself and Sam out of the way of the heavily pregnant woman attempting to walk past them in the hardware store.

“Actually would you mind reaching up there and grabbing the super glue for me?” She pointed to a shelf behind them. “Yep. That one,” she said, placing ahand on her stomach. “Thank you so much. I’m due in a couple of weeks. I’m exhausted. It feels like an effort just to move these days.”

“Yeah. I remember how miserable my wife was when she was that pregnant.” Jack said, laughing.

The woman turned to Sam. “Oh. How many kids do you have? This is my first.”

“Oh. I... I... I don’t,” Sam stammered.

Jack, realizing his error, quickly stepped in. “I meant my ex-wife. We don’t have any kids.” He felt Sam tense beside him, her discomfort painfully obvious.

“Oh. Sorry. Yeah, um, thanks again,” the pregnant woman said awkwardly as she walked away.

Jack placed his hand on Sam’s arm. “I’m sorry.”

“We need to go.” Sam turned and started for the entrance.

“Right.” Jack abandoned their cart and quickly followed after her. So much for fixing her medicine cabinet today.

Sam was walking so quickly she was practically running. Jack jogged past her to unlock the truck doors so she wouldn’t have to wait. They climbed in and Jack looked over at her. “I’m sorry,” he said again. 

“Just take me home.” Eyes shut tightly, she was taking long deep breaths and clawing at her thighs.

Jack put the car in gear. It was a quick ride back and she barely waited for the car to stop before jumping out and racing for her door. Jack followed.

Once inside, Sam walked into her bedroom slamming the door behind her. Jack stood outside. “Sam. Can I come in?”

“I need a minute.”

“Sam. Please don’t shut me out again.”

“I just need a minute!”

Jack let out a sigh and sat down on the couch in the living room to wait, on the alert for any concerning noises. All he heard were muffled sobs causing his heart to break for her. To his surprise, she walked out barely ten minutes later and headed for the fridge where she grabbed a bottle of beer.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

Sam shot him a murderous look, popped the cap, and took a huge sip.

“Can I at least have one then?”

“Get it yourself.” Sam walked out onto her patio.

Jack considered what to do. He grabbed a beer and their coats and followed her outside. Placing her coat on her lap, he joined her there on the top step where they sat in silence for quite a while.

“We were going to call the baby Alexander or Alexandra after my mom and yours. Does your mother’s name even start with an A?”

“No. Her name was Mary.”

Sam nodded. “It still hurts. I know it wasn’t real but I still feel the loss so deeply. We were so happy. Even lost on that planet. We were just happy. And when we realized I was pregnant.” She looked over at Jack. “You were ecstatic. I’d never seen you like that. Almost like a child in the days leading up to Christmas.” She frowned. “It’s weird having memories that aren’t real. I know things about you that I don’t actually know.”

“Like what?”

“You told me all about your family. Something you’ve never done in reality. You taught me to dance because your mother had insisted you learn as a child.” Jack shook his head when she looked at him for confirmation. “You had a dog named Mac.” Jack shook his head again and Sam frowned. “Oh! You play the piano!”

“I actually do. Well, did.”

“Really?”

“Yup. My mother played and she taught all of us.”

“Tell me about your family, Jack. Your real family.”

Jack reached for her hand. “Sure. But it’s a little chilly. Let’s do this inside.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon sharing stories about their childhoods. As the sun set, Jack looked down at Sam who was resting her head in his lap. “Sam. It’s close to forty eight hours since I came over and you already seem so much better.”

“Do I? I still feel so overly emotional but I guess I am handling it a little better. I suppose it’s a good sign.”

“It definitely is.” Jack smiled down at her.

Sam smiled back at him then looked serious. “Jack. I want to say.” She sat up straight on the couch and looked down at her hands. “Letting you to see me like this. So emotional. So unchecked, uncontrolled it’s... it’s not easy. I’ve always needed to be strong. Look strong. Especially at work. I’m already at a disadvantage as a woman. People never stop doubting whether I have what it takes for that reason alone.”

“I’ve never doubted. You don’t have to prove yourself to me. Never.”

“No, I know. I guess that’s what I mean. I’m just... I’m trying to say thank you.” She looked directly at him. “That I know that about you. That I trust you completely. I always have. Not just with my life but... with my heart.” She blushed at the admittance of something so intimate. “The only reason I can do this, fight this, is because you’re you. I feel... safe.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Jack was at a loss for words feeling so overwhelmed by hers.

“You don’t need to say anything. I just needed you to know that.” Jack reached for Sam’s hand, squeezing it tightly. Unable to find words to convey everything he felt in that moment, he hoped the simple action would inform her.

She smiled at him in a way that told him she understood. They sat together quietly allowing themselves to become more accustomed to their newfound intimacy until Jack broke the silence. “So, what do you want to do now?”

“More of what we’re doing?”

“Sooooo talk, eat, and have sex?”

Sam giggled. “Actually I don’t think we’ve been doing nearly enough of that last one, Jack.” Sam jumped off the couch and walked backwards towards her bedroom. “And we really should get in some exercise.”

Jack stood up and followed her. “I was thinking dinner but I like your idea better.”

======

“Jack. We need to make some decisions. I don’t think this is exactly what Hammond had in mind.” She shifted to look up at him. “We’re using this situation to view what’s happening between us as okay, but it’s not.

Jack looked down at the naked woman sprawled against him. “As long as by not okay you just mean against the rules and you’re not starting in on the whole ‘this was a mistake’ thing again.”

“I’m not. But this is a problem.”

“I know. I’ll retire.”

“Neither one of us needs to retire, Jack. We just can’t be on SG-1 together anymore.”

“And we’re ok with that?

“We don’t have a choice, do we?”

Jack took hold of one of her hands. “We should go speak to Hammond.”

“Yes, we should.”

“I’ll call him in the morning to see when we can go in.”

Sam nodded and took a deep breath worrying about how this would go over and rubbing her aching head.

“You ok?”

“I’m fine. It’s just a headache. Probably the stress.”

“Or maybe you need to eat. We haven’t eaten since just after your appointment with MacKenzie this morning.”

Sam sighed. “That’s another reason we need to talk to Hammond. It’s getting harder to tiptoe around what’s really going on here. The therapy is helping but not being able to express myself fully is becoming a problem. ”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve realized.”

“It’s fine. We’ll take care of it.” 

“We will.Hey. We also need food. Something simple? Soup and crackers?”

“Sounds delicious.”

======

Jack called Hammond early the next morning and he’d told them to come in at eleven thirty hours. They were anxiously waiting together outside Hammond’s office when the door swung open. “Colonel. Major. Come on in.” Jack and Sam moved into his office and he motioned for them to sit down. “How are you feeling, Major?”

“I’m well, sir. Well, I’m better.”

“I’m glad to hear it. So... this has been working?”

“Yes sir. I think so. I’m feeling less... reactive.”

“That’s good, Major. Anything new to report?”

“No, sir.”

Hammond leaned back in his chair. “Fine then. So what can I do for you?” 

Jack made a clicking sound with his tongue. “Well, sir. It seems...”

“I’d like to be removed from SG-1, sir,” Sam blurted, interrupting Jack.

Hammond nodded his head. “May I ask why?”

Sam couldn’t help the blush that rose on her cheeks. “Personal reasons, sir.”

Hammond grinned at her. “I’m afraid I’m going to need a bit more than that, Major.”

Sam bit her lower lip. “Well, sir, uh, the colonel and I... we’ve, as you know of course, been spending a lot of time together and...”

“We want to pursue a personal relationship, sir.”

Sam’s eyes went wide and her entire body tensed at Jack’s words. He watched as she pulled even more of her lip into her mouth.

General Hammond stared at the two of them. He’d always suspected he’d be dealing with this moment one day and, considering recent events, he’d prepared himself. In fact, at that very moment his biggest challenge was trying not to laugh at the two nervous and uncomfortable officers in front of him. “I see. And Major, I assume you’re in agreement with the Colonel’s assessment of the situation?”

Sam swallowed. “Yes, sir.”

Hammond let them them sit there stewing for a bit longer. “Well, I appreciate your coming to me with this and I agree that you’ll need to be removed from SG-1. Did you have something specific in mind, Major?”

“Well, sir, at least for the time being, I’d prefer to continue working in the science department, only going through the gate as necessary.”

Jack looked at Sam in shock. They hadn’t discussed this and he’d just assumed she’d want to be placed on another team. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, sir. I’ve thought this through. My situation has been improving but I think we need to give it more time. We don’t know very much about the possible long term effects of what happened. I think it’s the appropriate choice for now.” What Sam didn’t say was that she had other plans. Plans she really needed to speak to Jack about. Real or not, in her mind she’d been pregnant. And she’d been happy about it. She always assumed she’d have children one day but her work had been a priority. Something had shifted for her since this experience and she found herself wanting a relationship and a family in a way she never had before. And now that she and Jack were together, it felt like a real possibility.

“Well that’s fine with me, Major. In fact you’ll be making a large number of people who worry about our Stargate expert traipsing around the universe quite happy.”

“Yes, sir,” she said, blushing a bit again.

“Well, if that’s all. I’ll get the paperwork going.” Hammond stood up from his chair.

“Thank you, sir. ”Jack and Sam said the words in unison as they rose from their seats.

Hammond put a hand out to stop them before they left. “On a personal note. I’d like to wish you two the best. Truly. I’m happy for you.” Sam blushed and thanked him while Jack shook his hand. “Oh, and I suppose I don’t have to mention that it’s probably for the best that you don’t publicize your relationship too much. At least not yet.”

“We’re aware, sir,” Jack said. “Won’t be a problem.”

“I’m sure it won’t.”

As they exited Hammond’s office and the door shut behind them, Jack touched Sam’s arm to get her attention. “Really? The science department?”

Sam ignored Jack’s question. She seemed lost in thought. “That went very well, didn’t it?”

Jack shrugged. “Yeah it did. Why? What were you expecting?”

“He didn’t even question us. He just accepted it. He almost seemed excited about it.”

“He’s not an idiot. I’m sure the man saw this coming. We’re lucky he didn’t pull you off the team years ago. He doesn’t want to lose us.”

Sam shook her head slowly. “No. I don’t think so.Something’s not right.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was too easy.”

“So? Sometimes you get lucky. We had a pretty easy time getting off that planet too. It happens.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “You’re right. We did. Almost too easy. The guard just led us to the gate. Absolutely no one tried to stop us.”

“Carter, it happens.”

“No. All of this. None of it makes sense.”

“Carter. What’s going on?”

“Hammond practically ordering us to spend all our time together? It’s ridiculous. How did I not see it?”

“There’s nothing to see.”

“It takes just two days for me to start feeling better?”

“Well, yeah, I guess. What are you...”

“No. It can’t be.” Sam had her hand covering her mouth. “Oh please, no.”

Jack moved closer to her and dipped his mouth towards her ear. “Sam, I need you to calm down. Everything’s fine.”

“No. It’s not fine. It’s not fine at all. None of this is real!”

Hammond, hearing the commotion, exited his office. “What’s wrong, Major?” Getting no response other than wide eyed terror from Sam, he turned to Jack. “Colonel?”

“She just started saying that this isn’t real all of a sudden.”

Sam pulled at Jack’s shirt. “Jack! You have to find me!”

Jack turned to Hammond. “Sir. We need....”

Hammond grabbed a phone. “I need medical to the briefing room. Medical emergency.”

“It’s not real. This isn’t real. I’m still there. They still have me.” She started to sway and Jack grabbed her as she practically crumbled in his arms, shaking and sobbing.

Just as she said the words, the sirens announcingan off world activation starred blaring. Hammond struggled momentarily with his next move. Realizing he needed to be present downstairs and that medical would be arriving any moment, he simply gripped Jack’sshoulder and left them to head down. “It’s the Tokra’s IDC, sir,” Walter announced.

General Hammond gave the order, “open the iris.”

Jack was completely occupied in trying to support Sam who was very quickly falling apart in his arms. “I’m still there. I can’t. Help me!”

Moments later, Jacob Carter walked through the gate. “Where’s Sam?” he asked immediately, looking terrified.

“Jacob?” Hammond asked, staring at the fear in his friend’s eyes.

“It’s not over, George. There’s more. Where is she?”

Hammond looked over his shoulder and pointed up toward the briefing room where a medical team was now holding Sam still as Janet injected her with a sedative. “What happened, Colonel?” she asked, looking up at Jack as Sam quickly calmed and allowed them to lay her down on a stretcher.

Jack ignored her and simply shook his head in shock when Jacob pushed forward and said. “I just found out. I’d hoped I could get here in time to warn you. This is probably going to get a lot worse before it gets better.” He dropped to his knees by his daughter’s head. “Sammy. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. But you’re gonna be OK kiddo. I’ll make sure of it.”

“What happened?” Janet shouted.

“She’s still connected.” Jacob grabbed Sam’s hand.

“How is that possible!” Jack cried out.

“Get her to the infirmary and keep her sedated!” Janet shouted before turning to the three men beside her. “Still connected? What does that mean!”

Jack ignored her and moved to follow the medics but Hammond held him back. “Son, she’s unconscious. You’ll do her more good for her now getting the facts from Jacob and helping doctor Fraiser.”

Jack stared after Sam and nodded his head begrudgingly while Jacob stood there shaking his own.

Janet observed the shocked faces of the men surrounding her. “Again, I ask! What is happening with my patient!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy and have or are having a great weekend!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’re getting a couple of longer chapters than what I normally post. I hope that’s enjoyable. :)

Jacob rubbed his hand over his face. “I only received word yesterday. Two reports of similar occurrences with men who were also subject to the Dartonan’s experiments. One died...”

“Died!” Jack exclaimed.

Jacob looked at Jack solemnly. “He took his own life when he couldn’t handle the stress.”

Jack practically flew out of his chair. “Why didn’t you know this was happening?”

Jacob sighed. “This isn’t Tok’ra business. The only reason they even agreed to my investigating at all is because of Sam. It’s not like this has been my sole focus. I thought she’d get over it. Be fine. That’s what the intel led me to believe. She’s my daughter, Jack. Do you really think I would’ve just left if I had any inkling of what was coming?”

Hammond put a hand on Jack’s arm. “Colonel. Sit down. Let the man explain.”

Jacob’s head bowed slightly and his eyes glowed momentarily indicating his symbiote, Selmak, had taken over. “Jacob is distressed. We thought it best that I continue.”

“Thank you, Selmak. It’s good to see you and we appreciate your willingness to help with this.” Hammond removed his hand from Jack’s arm.

“I have not blended with many hosts with children in all my years but when I have, I have always been moved by the force of the bond. There was no choice.”

“That’s real sweet. Now would one of you just tell us what the heck is going on with Carter!” Jack again felt Hammond’s hand on his arm urging him to relax. He took a cleansing breath and sat back in his chair.

Selmak nodded. “The technology is not beyond our comprehension but we did not think it possible. As Jacob already informed you, the Dartonans are a very advanced race. A few hundred years ago we’d worked with them in an attempt to discover a means to allow for long range contact with our operatives. I’m sure you can imagine the advantages of such technology. We worked together for almost a year but every attempt failed. Eventually we left and, due to their isolationist ways, never resumed contact.

Hammond leaned forward. “Why was this sort of tech of interest to the Dartonans if they’re such an isolationist society? What was in it for them?”

“They told us they wanted to help us defeat the Goa’uld to ensure the protection of their planet but it was as your Dr. Jackson presumed, General. They wished to watch the outside world without exposing themselves to it.”

“So what are you telling us, Selmak?” Janet asked. “That they’ve finally managed to perfect this technology and they’ve been watching Major Carter this entire time?”

“That is correct, Doctor Fraiser.”

Janet shook her head in disbelief. “Well that’s horrifying. Do you know how we can remove it?”

“We do not. It’s biological.”

“Biological? But we found nothing out of the ordinary in her bloodwork. There were the unusual brainwaves but... well I guess we were wrong about the sensory deprivation.

“The device is placed in the brain and would be completely undetectable as a foreign body in any type of scan. And it is quite likely Major Carter was placed in a state quite similar to sensory deprivation. The goal is for the subject to exist in a simulated world created using images pulled from their own mind. They must first be placed in a state making them susceptible to such imagery so they will perceive the stimulation as reality. The resulting simulated story is observed and allowed to play out until purposely manipulated to observe more specific emotional reactions. For example, killing someone close to the subject, as in this situation with the murder of Colonel O’Neill.”

“So this is you’re fault.” Jack was trying to be patient but he’d had it.

Hammond swung his head around to face Jack. “Colonel, please. They’re trying to help.”

“Are they? How do they know all of this? It’s barely been a week and a half since we returned. They haven’t been back there. They know this because they were a part of it! They helped create this!” He slammed his hands down on the briefing table as he stood. “That’s why the snake’s doing the talking. Because dad over there is feeling too guilty!”

“I’m not feeling guilty, Jack.” Everyone turned to realize Jacob had taken over again. “I had nothing to do with it. In fact I’m as seething angry as you are. But we need to figure this out for Sam which is why I’m sitting back and letting thepeople who can think clearly about this handle it.” He paused to glare at Jack. “I suggest you do the same.”

A bow of the head and a flash of the eyes and Selmak was back. “You are not wrong. We helped them create the means to accomplish this many years ago but we never intended it to be used in this manner. And we’d left them sure that this was an impossibility. So you have to understand. We did not want this.”

Jack sat back down. “And yet.”

Selmak continued. “We think they likely started with the simulations as a completely separate process. Once they’d perfected the communication technology, they decided to use it, as I stated earlier, to experience life outside Dartona. The sensory deprivation and simulationis how the technology is implanted and calibrated.”

“I still don’t understand,” Janet said. “If it’s simply a device to allow the Dartonans to watch Major Carter, what are they calibrating?”

“It appears they’ve moved beyond simply watching the subject.” Selmak paused. “The device allows the Dartonans to experience everything the subject is experiencing. They can actually feel the subject’s emotions and they are, as you would say, turning the volume up on the subject’s emotional responses. That is why Major Carter has been as she is.

Jack wanted to throw up. It was horrifying to think someone was inside Sam’s head watching her. Watching them. He didn’t want to believe it. “So if the goal was always to send her back here, why stick her back in a cell with us? We had to break out.”

“Did you, Colonel?” Hammond had an eyebrow raised. “You did report that you had a particularly easy time getting out of the cell and to the gate, did you not?”

Jack thought back. He’d just thought they’d been lucky. “So you’re saying they let us go? It’s what they wanted all along?”

“It would appear so,” Selmak responded.

Jack couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “So Carter was right about the escape? Was she also right that she was improving too quickly? She was getting better. She wasn’t as angry.”

“Anger is not the only emotion, Colonel O’Neill. Is it possible something else developed over the last few days that the Dartonan’s would have found even more interesting?”

Jack tensed, hoping Selmak, and therefore Jacob, didn’t realize what he’d implied or how right he was. He ignored the question. “So what’s wrong with her now?”

“The technology is failing. That’s what happened years ago. It’s why we couldn’t make it work. In every attempt, the technology would fail and be absorbed into the subject’s system and rendered inert.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it? ” Jack looked around the room and stopped at Janet.

“Well, I’d certainly think so, Colonel, but I’m assuming Selmak has more to tell us.”

“I’ll tell you.” Jacob spoke this time. “It seems they’ve perfected the technology to a point where it doesn’t easily absorb as it fails. Instead, the devices are basically short circuiting making it so the subject can no longer distinguish between reality and fantasy. Experiences in the simulation, memories, hopes for their futures, daydreams, they get all mixed up. We don’t know how long it takes before the failure is complete because everyone this has happened to has been in such extreme distress, they’ve basically ended up... broken.

Jack’s head was spinning. “So these bastards know what damage they’re causing and just let it happen?”

“They don’t care, Jack.”

Janet cleared her throat. “Jacob, there has to be a way to get it out of her.”

Jacob shook his head, forlorn. “We don’t know how.”

“So what do we do?” Jack ran his hand frustratedly through his hair. “Can’t we just keep her sedated while it’s failing or being absorbed or whatever needs to happen?”

“We’d have to induce a coma to keep her under for such a potentially long period of time. It wouldn’t be safe otherwise,” Janet said, also astonished by what she was hearing.

Jacob sighed again. “It wouldn’t work. We need her brain active for the device to breakdown. The device starts to breakdown from the emotional overload while the breakdown itself causes the resulting confusion. The device won’t breakdown without stimulation.”

Jack was at a loss. “So what are you saying? We just have to let her suffer?”

“I think so, Jack. Unless we can come up with something else, Sam’s probably in for something awful. What happened earlier was just the beginning. We just need to help her get through it. Keep her grounded somehow. And safe. She can’t be on her own. The thing is, George, and this is important. I need to be straight with you. She won’t be herself. She’s likely to say or do things that might reveal thoughts of a very personal nature. Things she’d never normally want anyone to know.”

“I understand, Jacob. But someone needs to be monitoring her.”

“Sir, I think I’m the most logical candidate. Major Carter and I are close and my medical knowledgewill obviously help.”

“It can’t just be you doctor.” Hammond shook his head. “You have other patients. You need to sleep. We need someone else.”

“I’ll do it.”

“Jack,” Jacob said, “I’m not sure that’s appropriate. You’re her CO.”

“Not anymore.” Jack stated bluntly.

“Actually son, you are. At least until the paperwork goes through.”

Jacob looked from Hammond to Jack. “What’s going on?”

Hammond saw Jack’s discomfort. “Major Carter is being removed from SG-1 and placed in the science department.

Jacob pursed his lips and cocked his head. “Why? Sam loves gate travel.”

“Jacob. She made the request and I granted it.

Jack tried to school his features as Jacob stared daggers at him.

“Are you screwing my daughter, Jack?

Jack jumped out of his seat. “I am not...” he took a deep breath and clenched his jaw to stop himself from saying anything he’d regret.

“Alright people. Enough! This is not helping. If there is one thing clear here, it’s that we all care very deeply about Sam’s...” Hammond took a breath realizing he too needed to calm down. “About Major Carter’s well being. We need clear minds to think this through so we can help her.

Do we need to take a break?”

“No, sir,” Jack said still breathing hard from anger.

“No. Let’s continue.” Selmak had been quietly soothing Jacob and reminding him of what was important.

“There has to be something we can do to lessen the effects. As a doctor, this seems almost unconscionable to me. I hate to say it but I’m inclined to recommend she may do better in a mental health facility.”

“But we can’t do that, Doctor. We have no idea what kind of confidential information she might reveal.” Hammond responded.

“But General, they’ll be expecting her to say nonsensical things.”

“No.” Selmak said, interrupting them. “You will need to reinforce that which is true with her. She cannot be someplace where they will consider her real life as fantasy.”

Hammond threw an arm up in the air “So what have we decided here, people? We’re going to give her a room and ride this out with her? Doctor Fraiser and Colonel O’Neill taking shifts?”

“I won’t need shifts.” Jack’s face dared anyone to challenge him.

“Son, you can’t do this by yourself. I’m not even sure you and Doctor Fraiser can handle this alone. We should probably bring Doctor Jackson and Teal’c into the know also.”

“That’s a good idea, Sir. She trusts them.” Janet placed her hands on the table in front of her, preparing to stand. “If there’s nothing else, sir, I’d like to see to Major Carter and have a room prepared.”

“Of course, Doctor. Jacob, Selmak, what are your plans?”

“I intend to say goodbye to my daughter then see if I can gather any more information. I think that’s how I can help her the most.”

“Sir?” Jack looked at Hammond expectantly.

General Hammond sighed as he looked at Jack’s harried face and wondered about some of his recent decisions. Rubbing his hand over his bald head he reminded himself that what happened at the SGC was usually anything but normal and that sometimes his decisions had to reflect that. He nodded at Jack. “Dismissed. I expect regular reports.”

======

Jack was just settling in near a still sleeping Sam’s bedside when he turned at the sound of the door to see Jacob Carter entering the room.

Jacob shrugged at Jack. “She’s my daughter.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to see her hurt.”

“Too late.”

“You know what I mean, Jack.”

“What do you want me to say, Jacob?”

Jacob took a deep breath. “That you’ll take care of her. That you’ll always be there for her. That you won’t stand in her way.” Jack nodded. “I’m not a fool, Jack. I’ve seen you two together. I wasn’t happy about it at first but once I realized that she meant something to you, that you cared for her, respected her, I stopped worrying about it. And I know she cares for you too. She’s never said as much but I can tell. I was... upset earlier.”

“I only want her to be happy. That’s all I want.” Jack rubbed his face and shook his head. “And I want to get her through this.”

Jacob nodded and moved a chair to the other side of Sam’s bed, asking Jack to give him a moment to say goodbye to his daughter. Jack hesitantly stood and left the room to give him the requested privacy. Jacob came back out a few minutes later. “I’ll be in touch as soon as I’m able. Take care of her.”

“Jacob?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know of anyone who’s survived this? I mean... come out ok?”

Jacob frowned. “No one else had access to the type of care she’ll have.”

Jack closed his eyes and shook his head. “So that’s a no.”

“She can beat this.”

Jack nodded and watched him leave. He turned his gaze back to Sam and hoped he was right.

======

“Jack?”

Jack was awakened from his light doze by the sound of her voice. “Hey. Hi. How are you?”

“I feel fine. A little groggy. Was I hurt?”

Jack shook his head. “No. You were just a little upset and were sedated so you could rest.”

“Why was I upset?” She looked around her. “Jack. Are we... are we back home? Is this the SGC?”

Jack was unsure what to make of her question. “Yeah. We’re at the SGC.”

“When? When did they rescue us? I don’t remember.”

Jack’s face fell. “That’s not exactly what happened. We weren’t rescued.”

Sam considered the look on Jack’s face. “Why do you look upset?”

“I’m not.”

“You _are_ upset, Jack. I can tell.” She looked nervously around the room. “Where’s Alex?”

Jack was confused. Alex? Who’s... oh dear god. She doesn’t mean...

“Jack. Where’s our baby?”

Jack gulped reflexively. “Sam. I need you to listen to me. You’re sick. You’re remembering things that aren’t real.”

“Jack?” Sam was visibly upset now.

“Sam. Listen to me. Give me a chance to explain.It hasn’t even been a month since we left for that planet.”

“A month? What are you talking about?”

“We left for the planet and they took you andthey stuck a bunch of false memories in your head. You’re sick.”

Sam shook her head.

“Yes. Sam. Do you remember the prison cell?”

“Prison cell? What are you talking about, Jack?” She looked petrified as she sat up in the bed. “Where’s the baby? Did something happen to her?”

“Sam. I need you to listen. We don’t have a baby. What you’re remembering. It’s not real.”

“I think I’d know whether or not I had a baby, Jack!”

Jack’s heart broke for her. They’d never talked about whether she wanted kids before but he could tell from what little she’d said about the miscarriage how much she’d wanted the baby. He assumed she still wanted a baby and he’d even thought about them having one together. But they didn’t. At least not yet. And he had to make her understand that, no matter how much it hurt her. He moved to sit at the edge of her bed. “Sam. Please just listen.”

Sam swung her legs around to the other side of the bed away from Jack. She started for the door and Jack stopped her. “Get out of my way, Jack.”

Jack held on to her. “Sam. Look at me. You trust me right? There’s no baby. None of what you’re remembering is real.”

“No!” She shoved him and opened the door where she paused in shock at finding two officers guarding the door.

“Ma’am,” one said blocking her exit.

“She’s awake. I think we need medical.”

Sam turned at the sound of Jack’s voice to find him on the phone. “What the hell are you doing! What’s going on! Where’s the baby!”

Jack looked up at her as the officer shut the door behind them. He ran to her side. “Sam please. Listen to me. Please.”

“Why are you doing this! Where’s the baby, Jack?” She grabbed at his shirt. “Tell me!” She was sobbing now. “Jack. Please. What happened? Where is she?” He wrapped his arms around her just as Janet burst into the room with a sedative ready.

“You’re ok, Sam. You’re going to be ok, she said as she jabbed the needle into her arm while Jack held her. She started to calm and Jack eased her back onto the bed where she swiftly passed out.

“What happened?”

Jack looked at Janet and sighed audibly. “She thinks we havea baby. She was asking for it. She got hysterical when I tried to tell her what happened and that there wasn’t a baby.”

“Aw, Sam,” Janet said, looking down at her friend with a pained expression on her face. She turned to Jack. “Do you need some time? I can stay with her.”

“No. I’m not going anywhere. Janet?” He stopped her as she started to open the door. “Are we gonna be able to get her through this?”

“We don’t have much of a choice, do we?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Will she be out long?”

“She shouldn’t be. I didn’t give her much.”

Jack nodded as Janet left the room and he tried to assess what he was feeling. He was some combination of terrified and angry as hell. She didn’t deserve this, he thought. No one deserved this less than Sam. Sam Carter deserved medals and accolades. And happiness. Not this horror. It simply wasn’t fair.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one day this past December, after reading tons of amazing stories, I thought “maybe I can do that too” and this popped out. I suppose that’s how it happens for most of us. It’s been a great experience. I’m so glad I decided to give it a try. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me and I really hope you enjoyed. ❤️

“Sir.”

“Jack was wide awake this time. It was getting late and although it had been a few hours since she’d last awakened he’d been too upset to rest. “Hi. How are you feeling?”

“I feel alright. What happened?”

“You just got a little upset before. We had to sedate you.”

“What do you mean? What was I upset about?”

“You were upset about what happened on the planet. You were confused.”

“I don’t understand. Why?” Her eyes started to widen as her cheeks started to redden. “I didn’t say anything about what happened there, did I?”

“What do you mean?”

Sam’s blush deepened. “I mean. I didn’t tell them that we...” She just sort of widened her eyes and moved her face forward as if to say ‘ya know.’

“That we what?”

“I can’t believe you’re going to sit there and make me say it, sir. You know exactly what we did on that planet.”

Jack’s eyebrows raised. “Uh which incident specifically are you concerned about?” Jack said, trying to pull more information from her. 

“Which _incident_?” Sam furrowed her brow in confusion. “I’m pretty sure the Air Force would consider every time we’ve kissed concerning, sir.”

They’d kissed, had they, he thought, staring at her with his mouth wide open. He wasn’t sure when she’d imagined this happening but he did like knowing that she too had imagined them kissing over the years.

“And I’ve been thinking, as much as I’d like to, sir, I really don’t think I should go fishing with you. Being trapped on that planet for a week, even with Teal’c there, was tough enough.

Aha, Jack thought, remembering their time stranded together after blowing up the Asgard ship and escaping through the commandeered Stargate. They’d had a moment then. A moment they’d both quickly retreated from. A moment about which they’d made a silent agreement never to speak of again. Jack knew, had they allowed themselves to indulge in that moment even slightly they would’ve ended up on the extremely wrong side of the regulations.

“Sir. You’re not saying anything.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, are you upset with me?”

“Upset with you? Why would I be upset with you?”

“Well, it was sort of my fault. If I hadn’t lost my balance and almost fallen in that hole you wouldn’t have had to...”

“That’s not your fault, Carter.” She looked at him, questioning. “It’s my job not to let those things happen. I should be the one apologizing.”

Jack could tell something was still bothering her “Are you upset with me, Carter?”

“No. Of course not. I was just having a moment.” She looked at him in a slightly embarrassed manner. “Wondering how long until someday.”

“What?”

“Someday. That’s what we said. That’s where we left it. Someday.”

Ah. “It’ll happen, Carter. I’m sure of it. We’ll have our someday... one day. ”

She nodded and closed her eyes.

“Sleepy?”

“Yeah. Must be whatever they gave me.”

“Must be.” He watched her eyes close andbreathing even out. He really really hoped he was right and they’d have their someday, one day, because he was sure that this, so far, was not the someday either of them had hoped for.

At least that episode hadn’t been bad, he thought, hoping against hope it mean that they were heading in the right direction.

======

Jack awakened sometime in the early morning hours to find Sam whimpering in her sleep. He put out a hand to comfort her. “No!” She yelled, turning and shoving him away from her.

“What? What’s wrong?” Her eyes were opened but she didn’t seem aware.

“Ahrin. Stop! Just go!”

“Ahrin? What? Who’s Ahrin? Sam. It’s me. It’s Jack.”

“Don’t you ever mention his name!”

“What? Who’s name? Mine?”

“Please, Ahrin. Don’t make me. Not now.”

“Sam. You’re ok. No one is making you do anything.”

“Please, just go away.” She was sobbing now. “I thought you were like him. You’re nothing like him.”

“Who?”

“Jack! You’re not even half the man he was.”

Jack leaned in towards her and she jumped off the bed and into the corner of the room. “Don’t touch me again. I swear I’ll kill you.”

“I won’t. I won’t touch you. You’re safe.”

Sam was staring at him with such hatred and fear. “That’s what you said. But it’s never been true. You hurt me. I’ve let you hurt me. I’m done feeling guilty. Feeling like I deserve this. You need to go.”

Jack tried again. “Sam. I’m not sure what’s going on right now but you’re safe. You’re safe with me. You’re remembering things that aren’t real. You’re sick.”

“You’re the one who’s sick! Just go!”

Jack stood there anxiously trying to make sense of what was happening.

“Go!!!!” Sam yelled.

Jack flinched. He knew it wasn’t real but seeing her like this, seeing her look at him like this, was almost unbearable. She was horrified by the site of him. Despite feeling a desperate need to comfort her, he walked over to the bedside table and picked up the phone. “I think she needs you now.”

Janet arrived a few minutes later and Jack quickly let her know what was happening beforeleaving Sam to her care. He sat outside on the floor in the hallway unwilling and unable to leave her.

Janet poked her head out the door about a half hour later. “She’s asleep again. Come in. Let’s talk.” Jack walked back in and she led him into the bathroom so they could speak privately without waking Sam. “She didn’t recognize me either. Seemed to think I was some woman from the simulation. Apparently she became involved with someone after you died there. A friend of yours. He hurt her. She let him. She said she’d felt lost after what happened. She’d felt like she failed and was somehow deserving of his treatment. It... was upsetting.” She touched Jack arm. “She told me a lot. She spoke to me as if I already knew. Has she told you everything she remembers?”

Jack shook his head. “Not everything. Obviously.”

“Honestly, we can’t even know if she had any recollection of this before. I’m not even sure if it really happened. Well, if she really experienced it, I mean imagined it... I... well you know what I mean.” Janet sighed and shook her head, frustrated. “I can stay with her for a while.”

Jack was about to protest when he realized his jaw was clenched painfully and both hands were tightly fisted from the desperate need to hit something. He recognized the need for release if he was to be appropriately present for Sam. He wouldn’t risk that energy around her. “Yeah. Could you? She should be asleep for a while. I’ll just be, maybe, half an hour or so.” 

“Of course. Take your time.”

Jack nodded and started for the base gym, picking up speed as he went. He threw the door open when he got there and, finding no one else around, swiped hard at the punching bag bare handed before making the smart choice to wrap his hands and don some gloves. He took all his anger out on the bag until he he was panting and exhausted. With one last swipe he fell over onto the bag using it to hold himself up.

He couldn’t believe how angry he was. Hadn’trealized how angry he was. Seeing her like this killed him. He was absolutely terrified. They had no idea whether they could get her through this. Or what would be left of her if they did. He hated thinking like that but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t care how advanced those bastards were. He swore he’d find a way to kill them all if she didn’t pull through alright.

He pushed himself off the bag, pulled off his gloves, and sat down on the bench with his head in his hands. He gave himself a minute to try and wipe the awful thoughts from his head before heading to the locker room. He took an unusually long shower, grateful it was the middle of the night so no one would hear his anguished sobs. He’d survived actual torture more than once but he could not bear her suffering.

A short while later, emotions back in check, he was back at her door. Opening it slowly, he peeked in the room to see Sam still asleep and Janet reading next to her bed. “How’s she doing?” he whispered.

“She’s been fine. Sound asleep. Not a peep. How are you doing?”

“I’m good.”

“Are you sure because I’m fine.”

“No. I’m sure. I’m good.”

Janet knew she’d lose this battle and didn’t think it had reached the point where she needed to insist. And he had taken a break. “Ok. Try and rest while you can.”

“I have been.”

“Good.” Janet gave him a small smile as she exited the room.

Jack once again took his seat at Sam’s bedside. He was not a religious man but found himself praying for her salvation to anyone or anything that might be listening.

======

“Jack?”

He’d fallen asleep from pure exhaustion. “What? Yeah. Hi. I’m here.”

“What happened?”

“What do you remember?” Jack asked simply, throwing the ball to her this time.

“I remember we went to speak to Hammond about us.”

Jack was surprised she remembered that much. “We did. But you got upset afterwards. You started yelling that you were still on Dartona. We had to sedate you.”

“I did? I don’t remember that.”

She seemed clearheaded. Jack debated what to do. “Sam. There’s more.” She held his gaze calmly so Jack explained what was happening.

“And there’s nothing we can do?”

“Your dad’s looking but they think we might just have to let it happen.”

“This is incredible. You’re basically watching me go insane. Jack. I don’t want...”

“You won’t.” He said quickly. “We’ll get through this. You can get through this.”

Sam shook her head. “We don’t know that.”

“I know.”

“Jack. I don’t want to live if I’m...”

“Shhhh. Don’t talk like that. We won’t let that happen.”

“It sounds like a real possibility.”

“Don’t. It’s not.”

Sam sighed realizing he wasn’t willing to acknowledge the worst case scenario. “Jack. We don’t know how much longer I’ll be lucid. This could be all the time we have.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “We don’t even know if I’ll ever be lucid again.”

Jack nodded at the truth of her words. They didn’t know. He stepped out of the chair, climbed into the bed, and wrapped her up in his arms. “I love you, Sam. Possibly even more than that big brain of yours can imagine.”

She let out a small pained laugh and held his arms tightly to her. “I love you too.” They were silent for a while. “Jack?”

“Hm?”

“Promise me you’ll move on. If I don’t...”

“You will. You’ll be fine. You’ll get through this.”

“But if I don’t.”

“You will. You have to.” He buried his face in her neck. Breathing in her scent he thought, please let her get through this

They were suddenly surrounded by a flash of light.

“Greetings O’Neill. Major Carter.”

They both looked around at the inside of the Asgard ship surrounding them. “Thor!” Jack cried out. “It’s about time! What took you so long?”

“O’Neill, your first contact was merely a request for information. It has not even been one of your earth days since General Hammond informed us of this new development. It has not been long. I am performing a scan of Major Carter now.” Jack and Sam looked at each other hopefully. “We can remove it.”

“That’s great!” Jack said looking at Sam hopefully.

“It will only affect Major Carter’s memories from the time of implantation.”

Sam moved closer to Thor. “How will it affect my memories?”

“Once removed, you will not remember anything that has happened to you since it was first implanted.”

“Oh,” she replied quietly.

“But she’ll be better?” Jack asked.

“Yes, she will be as she was before.” Thor turned to Sam. “You appear disappointed. Do you not want it removed?”

“No no. I do. It’s just...”

Jack interrupted. “Could you give us a moment, Thor?”

Thor nodded and Jack pulled Sam around the corner with him. “You have to do this.”

“I know. But Jack...” She looked pained.

Jack nodded. “I know. But you have to.”

They silently stared into each other’s eyes. “You have to tell me, Jack. After. You need to tell me. Promise me you’ll tell me.”

Jack furrowed his brow. “What if you... what if it’s not what you want? Without... all of this?”

“It is what I want. I know it is. It’s what I wanted. Even before.”

“It was?”

“Yes. I just didn’t know how. And I wasn’t sure if you still....”

“I did. I do.”

“Then tell me.” Jack still looked unsure. “Jack. Do you remember what you said to me when I was afraid I’d forced you into this? When I was worried it was a mistake? You said it didn’t matter how we got here. It just mattered that we were here.” Jack nodded. “You also said that you loved me and that it wasn’t a mistake. Well I love you. And I know it’s not a mistake.” Her big tear filled blue eyes pleaded with him. “Please, Jack. Tell me. You have to tell me.”

Jack was fighting back tears himself. He nodded and pulled her close. “I love you,” he said, as he captured her mouth with his. They kissed desperately until she pulled away.

“Tell me, Jack. Tell me.” Sniffling, she turned and walked back into the room with Thor. “I’m ready.”

Pointing to some sort of machine, Thor asked Sam to lie down. As she did, Jack walked over and took hold of her hand. He looked at Thor. “Is this OK?” Thor nodded. Jack looked back at Sam and she grasped his hand tightly. “Tell me,” she repeated, as her eyes closed.

“It will not take long, O’Neill. She will wake shortly.” Jack nodded.

Moments later, Sam’s eyes opened.

“It is complete.”

Sam looked at Jack then down at their clasped hands. Tilting her head curiously, she gave Jack a small smile.

Jack smiled back. “Hi.”

“Hi, sir.”

“Sir.” Jack said with a slight frown as they were once again engulfed in light.

They reappeared in her room at the SGC to find themselves surrounded by Janet, Teal’c, Daniel, and General Hammond.

“Colonel. Major! Dr. Fraiser came to check on you and found you were gone. We were just...”

“It was Thor, sir.”

“We’ve figured that out. Was he able to help?”

“Yes, sir,” Jack said. “They removed it.”

Janet walked over to Sam who was looking around the room at everyone trying to figure out what was going on. “So you’re ok?”

Sam stood there, mouth slightly parted, taking this all in. “I feel fine. I’m just a little confused.” They followed her gaze down to where Jack’s hand was still clasped tightly to hers. He quickly let go. She looked back up at them. “What happened?”

Everyone turned to Jack. “She’s better but taking it out meant she’d lose all her memories of the last few weeks. Since the device was implanted.”

“I see.” General Hammond turned to Sam. “I’m glad to hear you’re well again, Major.”

“Uh, yeah. Thank you, sir. Maybe someone could tell me what’s going on?”

Hammond smiled at her. “Doctor. If you would please examine Major Carter. Assuming all is well, I’d like to have a quick debrief in half an hour.”

“Yes, sir.” Janet led a very confused Sam out the door. Jack lifted his head and took a deep contemplative breath as he watched her go.

======

Jack followed after General Hammond. “Sir, if I could have a moment of your time before the briefing?”

“Of course. Join me in my office.”

Once there, Jack sat down and anxiously rubbed his hand over the bottom half of his face. “Has Carter’s transfer gone through?”

“Not yet.”

Jack nodded. “Maybe it shouldn’t.”

“It’s not even prepared yet but you’re putting me in a bit of an awkward position, son.”

“Right.” Jack realized he wasn’t exactly thinkingclearly. “Just... just give me a couple of days. She doesn’t remember. She won’t understand. Just let me speak to her.”

“Alright. But knowing what I know now.” Hammond sighed. “It’s a problem.”

“I know. I’ll handle it. I just need to be the one to tell her she’s off the team.”

Hammond cocked his head. “Is that all you’re going to tell her? That she’s being moved off SG-1?”

Jack stared at his boss and shrugged.

======

As expected, Sam was shocked by the story she was told at the briefing. “I hope I wasn’t too awful to you, sir,” she said blushing from embarrassment.

“Not at all,” Jack responded. “You were an utter delight.”

Sam, sporting a confused look, shot him some side eye.

Hammond made no big proclamations. He simply dismissed them, saying he was glad Sam was better and that he’d see them back at work on Monday.

Jack went straight for the locker room intending to quickly change and head home. As he opened his locker he noted his frayed nerves. It had been a rough few weeks and an incredibly difficult few days. As happy as he’d been, as much as he loved her, he had to admit that it had been awful at times.

He thought back to their last moments together on Thor’s ship. “Tell me,” she’d said, over and over. She’d begged him to tell her. To tell her he loved her. To tell her what they’d shared. He wasn’t sure why he was so reluctant. He loved her. He wanted to be with her. She was off SG-1 no matter what. This was their chance. And she was herself again. That was good but it was also what scared him.

How could he know for sure that this Carter would still want him. This Carter hadn’t experienced what she had. She’d have no memory of the simulation. No memories of a relationship with him. She hadn’t lost her ability to control what she felt. He wondered if the person who wanted him, wanted them, was really Carter.

Jack rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. None of that mattered, he realized. He had to tell her. He couldn’t keep this from her. This wasn’t some random kiss on a day that he wasn’t sure even really happened. This was more. She deserved to know.

What if she was angry? What if she felt he’d taken advantage of her? Had he taken advantage of her? She hadn’t exactly been herself. But they hadn’t understood what was happening. He’d done his best to do the right thing. He just wasn’t sure that he had. But he had to tell her. He knew he had to tell her. Whatever the consequences. He slammed his locker shut from the frustration and walked out the door. He’d have a beer and anap. Then he’d force himself to do what he needed to do. 

======

Jack pulled up in front of Sam’s house at about eight o’clock that same evening having finallyworked up the nerve. He rang the doorbell and waited anxiously for her to answer. This was either going to go very well or very poorly. He wasn’t sure which.

She opened the door and smiled at him. “Hi, sir.”

“Hi.”

“Did you want to come in?”

“Uh yeah, thanks.” Sam moved out of the way so he could walk in. “I apologize for just stopping by like this.”

Sam shook her head. “That’s ok, sir. I was sort of expecting you.”

“You were?” Jack looked at her with surprise.

“I was.” She nodded.

“Oh. Why?”

“Well, a few reasons.” She took a breath and lifted her chin. “The hand holding was my first clue that something was up.”

“Oh, uh, yeah.”

“And then I came home to find your bag in my bedroom.”

Jack’s mouth popped open. “Right. I’d forgotten about that. Sorry.”

“Oh, uh, no, sir. It was actually a good thing that I recognized your bag otherwise I might have been a bit more concerned about whose um...” Sam cleared her throat, “boxers I found in my bed.”

Sam watched as Jack froze with a look of complete mortification plastered on his face. She couldn’t help but find his discomfort a little amusing. She’d been surprised and maybe even slightly embarrassed at first imagining what might have gone on. Now she was mostly just curious and eager to understand.Unsure exactly what, if anything, had happened between them, she found herself calm and secure in his presence. Whatever had happened had happened with Jack and she trusted him implicitly. 

“So, I’m assuming you wanted to talk?” she asked. When Jack just stood there swallowing she grabbed his hand and led him to her living room. She sat down on her couch and pulled him down next to her. “So,” she said, smiling and yanking on his hand until he turned to look at her. “What’s up?”

When he continued to just stare at her, Sam wrinkled her features in confusion and yanked on his hand again to pull him from his daze. Relaxing her facial muscles one again, she looked directly into his eyes, smiled softly and said, “sir... Jack. I think there’s something you need to tell me.”

Tell me, he thought, gazing in awe at her gorgeous smile as all his doubts slipped away. Squeezing the hand of the woman he loved, he took a deep breath and said, “Yes. There is most definitely something I need to tell you.”

**The end**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😢 Now I’m sad it’s over. Thanks so much again, all. 🤗


End file.
